Monday - August 14, 2006

That’s Entertainment, Part II

You may recall, we recently brought you the height of entertainment in Pakistan ... Goat On A Pole. Not to be outdone, the Chinese are bringing us ”Dalmatian Biker Gangs”.

The Plot: Johnny Dalmatian was the leader of the Blind Chinese Rebels biker gang. The gang then ride into Rites-kuo, where they cruise up and down the main street, and pile into Blee-quo - the local sushi bar . The owner of the bar, the Comrade Sherf de Jong, is happy to let the bikers spend their money, so does nothing to break up any disturbances. Johnny falls for the Comrade’s daughter, and tries to impress her with a ride on his bike. When a rival gang ride into town, trouble is just around the corner. (The Wild Yuan - 1953, ChiCom Pictures)

Posted by The Skipper     on 08/14/2006 at 01:59 PM   
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   Friday - August 11, 2006

Hissssssssssss ….

Posted by The Skipper     on 08/11/2006 at 11:06 PM   
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   Wednesday - August 09, 2006

Martian Jews Attack!

Posted by Dan Rather     on 08/09/2006 at 02:00 PM   
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   Sunday - August 06, 2006

Why Ask Why?

1. Why do they call it a TV “set “when you only have one?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already
there?

10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Posted by The Skipper     on 08/06/2006 at 09:54 PM   
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100 years ago

I received this in my email this morning.

The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles
of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.?

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn’t read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over
the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.” ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States, possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS the MIND

Posted by Christopher     on 08/06/2006 at 09:57 AM   
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   Friday - August 04, 2006

Why Didn’t I Think Of That?

Who says American ingenuity and inventions are dead? Not me. There is always somebody out there in this land who suddenly has a “light bulb moment” and fortunes are made. HearthFalls, Inc. of Little Rock, Arkansas has come up with a unique idea that I wish I had thought of. Combine a fireplace with a waterfall. Ingenious! Now we’re talking real romantic setting. All it needs is a bearskin rug, a bottle of Dom Perignon Imperial Rose ($349) and Heidi Klum laying back on the rug wearing only a feather boa giving me a “come-hither” look. Sigh ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 08/04/2006 at 01:26 PM   
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   Friday - July 28, 2006

Quittin’ Time!

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/28/2006 at 05:02 PM   
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   Thursday - July 27, 2006

Wake-Up Call

GAAAA-AHHHHH!

WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

The space-time continuum
has collapsed!

The monkey sees everything!

Maximum underdrive!

ROSEBUD

Posted by Dan Rather     on 07/27/2006 at 04:10 AM   
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   Wednesday - July 26, 2006

Love At First Sight

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/26/2006 at 02:50 PM   
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   Tuesday - July 25, 2006

Slow day in Iraq

Must be a slow day in Iraq since my source over there is sending jokes. Thought I share them with you.

these have many many uses to be incorproated into your am/pm briefings.-MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Posted by Christopher     on 07/25/2006 at 10:56 AM   
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And Now For Something Completely Different

Destroy The Web Site

Have you ever run into a web site that made you just want to blow it up and wipe it off the face of the internet? I mean besides DailyKOS and Democratic Underwear? Sure you have.

At one time or another we all read something at a web site that makes us want to go nukular. It could be that news report from Iraq or that comment made by some wanker on a blog site. Sometimes you just want to throw a shoe at the monitor.

Well we have discovered a solution for you that will save your monitor from damage and let you vent your frustrations without actually causing any harm to anyone (or any animals). It’s called Destroy Websites.

Go ahead, give it a try. Type in your most hated website, select the weaponry to deploy and sit back and watch the mayhem. Knowing this crowd here, I predict Democratic Underground will be wiped off the face of the internet in no time flat. I also predict with absolute certainty that you lot will also find a certain amount of pleasure in nuking BMEWS ... just because ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/25/2006 at 05:30 AM   
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   Monday - July 24, 2006

Elephants Memory

Elephants Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.



Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Posted by Ronald Reagan's Ghost     on 07/24/2006 at 11:47 AM   
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   Sunday - July 23, 2006

Chess Hotties, another fine service of BMEWS

(apologies to heldmyw)

First up is the June, 1956 Playmate Gloria Walker. How does a man concentrate with those hanging over the board? (NSFW)

Second is Kelly Dunstan, who I suspect is another Playboy Playmate, but I lack documentation of that. Still, I dream of a life-size checkmate, or even just a check. (NSFW)

Finally, You know you’re a chessaholic if this happens to you. (warning: cartoon nudity)

Posted by Christopher     on 07/23/2006 at 10:35 AM   
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   Saturday - July 22, 2006

Saturday Silliness

Posted by The Skipper     on 07/22/2006 at 01:53 PM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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