BMEWS
 
Sarah Palin will pry your Klondike bar from your cold dead fingers.

calendar   Saturday - December 08, 2012

How to get your children to visit at Christmas

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 12/08/2012 at 05:56 PM   
Filed Under: • FamilyFun-Stuff •  
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calendar   Friday - October 19, 2012

an ending, with peace

Little Mommy died on Thursday evening, although it took her body another 21 hours to finally let go.

11 days in the hospital couldn’t save her at the end, but she left surrounded by family who loved her and free of pain.

It’s been a brutal year and a half for everyone involved, but it’s finally over. And she’s found the peace she so desperately wanted.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 10/19/2012 at 10:40 PM   
Filed Under: • Family •  
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calendar   Monday - October 08, 2012

here but not here

Oh joy, we’re doing another episode of Your Weekly Hospital with the MIL. Different hospital this time, but otherwise the same. And doncha know, she’s there 4 hours and already she knows they don’t know how to do anything.

Oy vey.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 10/08/2012 at 08:14 PM   
Filed Under: • FamilyHealth-Medicine •  
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calendar   Tuesday - September 25, 2012

A full day shot to heck

Had to bring the MIL home from the hospital yesterday. Again. We’re at that point where she’s in just about every week. We know the nurses and aids on that wing of the hospital on a first name basis.

Still, it took up the whole damn day. Or I should say the entire day was spent on her and her needs. 

From 5:30am, when the wifey was up shopping online for a bariatric bedside commode, because ... um, because it’s needed. And even that shopping has been hell for her, because the medical supply market is even more vulturine than the funeral products market. Sure, it’s all online, but the same product that you can create an account as “DR. yourname” and get it for $89 wholesale sells online for a variety of increasing price points from $127 (a, b, c, d) up to nearly $300. Vultures. And that makes it hard for her to decide, and wastes HOURS, because she doesn’t want to get some cheap POS for her mother, etc. So after 6 days of her shopping onlin every morning, I took over and found the best product and price in about 8 minutes.

I went to the factory website, found out that they only make the one model that looks like this, and that the variations on it are merely color codes. -1, -2, etc. One is gray, one is white, one is unpainted steel. As if anyone gives a damn, for a poop chair for a dying woman. Now order the damn thing please. Oh no, I’ll do it this evening ... yeah uh huh, when I’m at bowling league, and she’ll be able to run through the hundreds of models available, AGAIN, for the 154th time, and waste another 4 effing hours on this nonsense. And then resent how much time she’s spending on her mother’s care. WTF? WTFFF?

Yeah, Ok, whatever.  You guys don’t want to hear this. It’s just one example of the circle jerk inefficiency built in to a “caregiver” situation when such care is done by close family: they aren’t even half a step removed from things, so they can’t be objective to anything. Ever. But days get consumed this way. Weeks. And yesterday too. We could have gone bowling, or shopping, or out for a nice fall walk, or done a whole lot of things together ... because this is at least the 5th time the MIL has been released from this hospital, and we know it never happens before 3pm. NEVER.

But then we had to wait around at home because of this and that and you never know what will happen or when the doctor will stop by her room at the hospital and ... crivens. Before I knew it, it was 3:30pm, so now we go and get her. And then when we got her home and hauled her up the stairs into the house, we had to stick around a few more hours until the sister could get in from work to cover for the overnight shift ... and by the time we stopped in at the grocery store for a quick bit of shopping and then whacked together some pasta for dinner, it was after 8. A whole day spent on a single 90 minute task. And the phone is ringing, it’s the MIL, trying to rag me because now her cellphone is receiving text messages. I’d put both daughter’s numbers on speed dial for her at her request; the numbers were already in the phone’s memory, but she’s never bothered to even look at the phone to figure out how the contact list works. She just dials. So now she’s getting a text message and it’s my fault. So MIL, what is the message? What’s it say? “How should I know” she says, “I can’t be bothered to look at it.” Miss Queen High and Mighty. But she can call me up, interrupt my dinner after sucking dry my entire day, to try and give me a ration of shit about it? I don’t think so.

I suggested to my wife that she find a commode with a really extra wide opening. I got the look.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 09/25/2012 at 11:34 AM   
Filed Under: • FamilyHealth-Medicine •  
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calendar   Thursday - February 02, 2012

I NEED A BIGGER TARBRUSH redux

I’d like to weigh in on ‘racism’.

Bullshit.

Sorry, but I’m one of these people who remember MLK’s speech “…not the color of their skin, but the content of their character.”

Allow me to show you my family:

image

Actually, I’m not certain who’s on First. I think that’s Michael, next is my sister Michelle, next is Rachel, (Mother of my niece Erika, that I just posted about), Next is half-sister Laura, Then Anthony Johnson…

Anthony Scott Johnson (born October 25, 1967 in Indianapolis, Indiana) is a former professional American football running back for eleven seasons in the National Football League for the Indianapolis Colts, the New York Jets, the Chicago Bears, the Carolina Panthers, and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Johnson now ministers as the chaplain to the Jacksonville Jaguars. He attended Stanley Clark School, and then played high school football at John Adams High School, where his jersey is still on display. He also played college football at Notre Dame.

My point? Not a racist. However, you better behave!

Have to admit one regret… there was a time I could carry Michael and Anthony under both arms. They’re way too big for that anymore!


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 02/02/2012 at 03:57 AM   
Filed Under: • FamilyPersonal •  
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calendar   Tuesday - August 23, 2011

Another old photo

I’ll not repeat my experiment of asking ‘who is this’ again. I’ve just been going through my photos and I wanted to share this one with BMEWS. Not sure of the year, but I am sure I was either in college or off in the Navy.

Two of the hottest women I know. Shame they’re my sisters.

image


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 08/23/2011 at 03:36 PM   
Filed Under: • Family •  
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calendar   Friday - August 12, 2011

Wisdom from your elders

Honest. I was talking to my uncle on Facebook…

Uncle Pat: OMG, tonight in the 50’s, I’m gonna need a blanket…

Christopher: Uncle Pat, what you need is a woman… and maybe a blanket.

Uncle Pat: Chris, blankets are easy to spread and you can always get a new one


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 08/12/2011 at 12:16 PM   
Filed Under: • FamilyHumor •  
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How to have make-up sex

This is a PSA (pubic service announcement. Public, I meant public! Geesh. You can edit that out, right? No problem)


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 08/12/2011 at 11:00 AM   
Filed Under: • Daily LifeFamilySex •  
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calendar   Monday - July 25, 2011

Woman! Thy Name is Stupid!

I guess I’ll have to explain that title. We all know that women are wonderful! We celebrate–Viva la differance!. Sorry, my spell-checker caught that too. The French can’t spell worth a damn.

Anyway, I had a new roof put on last year. This morning my wife asked me to walk with her (this is never good news).

Showed me how some squirrels screwed my new roof. Paid almost $9 grand for that roof!

Bad enough. I spent the morning trying to find someone to fix it. No go. Seems we had a very bad hail storm that I never heard about, luckily it missed us. But most roofers are very busy.

Then, my wife asked me to search the internet for ideas on how to squirrel-proof the home. Well, I did so. Can’t wait for her to get home and find out the most important thing to squirrel-proof the home. The same thing I’ve told her for years!

But I’m a man and therefore stupid. She disregards the fact that I grew up on a farm and never had squirrel problems.

How to squirrel-proof your property

In this case, and the song I’ve sung to my wife for twenty years is:

# 1 Remove the squirrels’ food source. Feed pets inside only. Get rid of bird feeders. Keep garbage cans well covered.

So she’s refused to believe me. She leaves bowls of cat food on the front and back porch. All it does is attract raccoons, opossums, squirrels, and lately, a skunk. I forgot to mention starlings. All of the above love cat food, and my wife is still refusing to believe that a bowl of cat food every day has caused the squirrels to nest in my brand new roof.

I’d call her a stupid woman, but that would be redundant! (wardmama is exempt. She’s not stupid, and I’m fairly certain she’s female. Despite that, I think she probably listens to her husband.)

What’s my point? Why is it that some females think their husbands don’t know anything? My wife did the same thing a few years ago: she bought a bale of hay and stuck it under our living room overhang. ‘For the poor kitty-kats’ she said. I pointed out that all she was doing was to make a nice, warm place for termites.  Guess what? 2 years and $500 later, we got rid of the termites!


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 07/25/2011 at 03:04 PM   
Filed Under: • FamilyPersonal •  
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calendar   Monday - April 25, 2011

I made it

It’s been a very stressful 2 days for us here. Had to get the MIL down to Sloan Kettering in New York City for cancer testing. Getting the logistics squared away was a real hassle, but we managed, although Easter celebration got tossed aside this year. I had to sleep in her mostly finished attic Sunday night, somehow both sweating and freezing at the same time all night long. Almost no sleep. Up before dawn to get out the door, cram 5 people into the car, including both worried daughters, and get onto the highway. All I can say is Thank God for Easter Monday, a “holiday” I didn’t even know existed, but which kept half a million or so cars from commuting in this morning. So the drive wasn’t too bad at all. Made mid-town on time. $50 to park for 7 hours. Horry clap. Sat in 5 different waiting rooms drinking hospital coffee all day, going from doctor to doctor. Got her in front of a bunch of top doctors, got some proper tests run, have to go to another one of their centers next Thursday for more of this. Maybe SIL can take that trip, and we’ll take the one after that.

The good news is that this is pretty much the best cancer diagnostic center on earth, so if she has it, they’ll find it and devise a plan. And if they tell her she’s clean, then she’s clean and can stop worrying. And then they’ll send her to one of their other diagnostic centers to find out what’s actually wrong with her. And perhaps she’ll listen this time, because these doctors can’t really be gainsaid, unlike others we’ve dealt with. We’ve been on the hospital and testing merry-go-round for several months with her, and have been through a whole lot of stupid crap and poor medical opinions. Deal with the best, and forget the rest.

I am very tired, but this had to be done. This is just another chunk of ice off the old iceberg; caring for senior parents can get pretty demanding, and I know that many have it much worse than we do.

And next I’ll be fixing her damn shower, which is 3/4 dead, tends to scald the unwary, and doesn’t drain hardly at all. I spent the day sticky and slightly whiff because the shower was so bad I couldn’t even get a good rinse in. Or maybe I needed to shower for more than the 3 minutes I got this morning. And her water smells like satanic dog farts. WTH?? Sulfur + roadkill. Eww! That’s another thing we’ll have to look into for her. Maybe a filter or softener might be needed, maybe the water company can come and do something. At the very least she needs one of those hand held shower wand things put in. One with an On/Off valve right on the wand. Probably a new shower head, but I’ll try and keep the diverter valve assembly. Hoo boy, another project at her house. Just what I wanted.

Time for a scotch, a shower, and some sleep.


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 04/25/2011 at 11:50 PM   
Filed Under: • Family •  
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calendar   Monday - April 11, 2011

A Sex-Ed story

I was just reading Dennis Prager’s column The $50,000 Orgasm. For some reason it reminded me of my first time...the first time I was introduced to ‘Sex Ed’.

You see, I never had to take ‘Sex Ed’. I took Health and Anatomy in high school. My sisters weren’t so lucky. They had to take ‘Sex Ed’.

Now BMEWS and BMEWSetts, I’m pretty certain that we could all figure sex out in the back seat of a Chevy. Especially if the movie sucked. No pun intended.

Back to my story.

So, there I was, sans a date, at a high school dance in 1977. My health teacher was one of the chaperones. We were standing together watching the action and drinking the sadly un-spiked punch. My health teacher asked me:

“Do you have a younger sister?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Is she in my Sex Ed class?”

“I think so. Why?”

“I’m still chuckling over an answer she gave on today’s test.”

“Oh?” Note how non-committal I was…

“The question was ‘what is the average amount a man ejaculates during orgasm.’”

Mind you, I’m a) 17 years old, b) we’re talking about my sister, c) who measures these things?

I fell into it. I had to ask. “What was her answer?”

“She put down ‘a half-pint’.”

I thought about this possible view into my sister’s thoughts. How could I use this? But I finally answered: “That’s my sister, always expecting more than a man can give.”

For some reason my health teacher doubled over in laughter. I was saved from further conversation by a hot cheerleader who decided she was drunk enough to dance with me.


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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 04/11/2011 at 02:38 AM   
Filed Under: • EducationFamilyHumorSex •  
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calendar   Sunday - February 27, 2011

Yet another challenge facing government schools.

Honestly, you can’t––well, I couldn’t––make this stuff up! Here’s the headline:

You can lead kids to broccoli, but you can’t make them eat

Students’ reaction to healthier lunches highlights challenges for schools

Lunch poses a challenge? The government schools are already overwhelmed by the challenge of teaching

…reading, and ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic.
(taught to the tune of a hick’ry stick!)

No, the government schools, and by extension, the teachers’ union, can’t teach reading, and writing, and arithmetic. So, with the help and approval of Moochelle Obama, the wife of the First Mongrel, the schools are now going to teach the kids what to eat. Chicago is leading the way, but, like Obama trying to force lead the rest of us into the heaven-on-Earth promises of ObamaCare, the Chicago schools are having problems forcing cajoling kids to eat what the elite want them to eat.

Anyone who has ever tried to sneak healthy food into kids’ lunches knows what Chicago Public Schools is going through.

Sometimes kids openly embrace the new food. Sometimes they eat it without realizing the difference. And sometimes they refuse it altogether.

CPS has met with all three reactions this school year, when it stopped serving daily nachos, Pop-Tarts and doughnuts and introduced healthier options at breakfast and lunch. But in a sign of how challenging this transition can be for schools, district figures show that lunch sales for September through December dropped by about 5 percentage points since the previous year, or more than 20,000 lunches a day.

Surprised? I actually am. My parents never tried to ‘sneak’ healthy food into any meal. They just said ‘eat what’s on your plate.’ ‘No, you can’t have seconds of anything until you eat what’s on your plate.’ Unlike Gollum or the Government, my parents weren’t ‘sneaks.’ (I’m also surprised at having Pop-Tarts on the menu. When did that happen? Donuts? When I was in school you could buy an eclair, or cheesecake, or fruit Jello. No donuts.)

So, sales are down 5%. Why is this bad?

See More Below The Fold

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Posted by Christopher   United States  on 02/27/2011 at 09:32 PM   
Filed Under: • Daily LifeEducationFamilyGovernmentNanny State •  
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calendar   Thursday - February 24, 2011

mothers and daughters.  mom’s the eye candy though. not these days maybe but she once was.

I wasn’t thinking Eye Candy when I came across this.  I didn’t know who she was, I have never seen her in a movie which is no surprise since I stopped going years ago. Never heard of her, but apparently she’s employed and known to some and so I guess it’s also a generational thing.

image

I did hunt for more but most of the photos I found did this lady no favors at all. This color shot is the best one I could find. I admit I got tired of looking and quit after awhile.  ah huh. Just watch this space. Drew will find something only he and heaven will share the source, and it’ll be gangbusters.

Now then ... I wasn’t going to pursue the subject until I discovered who her mommy is. Ah now. Talk about generational. I’m a year older then mommy which put mom at 72. Yikes.  My heartthrob, 72?  The woman who made me dream about her. 72? 

Here’s another shot of the daughter. In this one she sort of resembles mom. I hope she has her mother’s talent cos I hate to say it but she doesn’t have her mother’s looks. And after all, her mom was a former Bond girl. Hard act to follow.

Her name is Rachael Stirling.

image

Here’s mommy at a fairly young age and I think you’ll recognize her.

image

You recognized her I know. If you didn’t ....  here’s ...

DIANA RIGG

And of course the TV show ... The Avengers.  Honor Blackman was the first Emma Peel but Rigg was the best and the sexiest.

Just thought I’d share.

image

image


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Posted by peiper   United Kingdom  on 02/24/2011 at 07:11 PM   
Filed Under: • Family •  
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calendar   Sunday - February 13, 2011

Packers Fans

A little email update on our two feathered friends down there in hill country.

image


They’ve been in their bad weather inside duck bin for most of the past month – too cold and their kiddie pool is frozen solid.  I hear there is rumor of 50 and 60 degree weather just a few days away – they will definitely be swimming like hell when the weather breaks.  They watched and rooted for the Green Bay Packers with me at the Super Bowl, too. 



“Nothing scores higher in ‘awww’ factor than baby ducks.  If you attempt to sway my decision in this matter – I’ll be forced to kill off whatever you suggest as the alternative.”
(Cattywumpus, USA: Unpublished Chronicles of Thots Whilst Shaving)



Of course Harold and Skokie (the two ducks) are Packers fans: they have the team colors built right in! LOL



It hasn’t been a good year so far for Miss Autumn, our champion coyote eliminator. She lost her father in law, a WWII veteran, to high speed cancer and poor hospital care in late January. The end is also part of the circle, but that doesn’t make it any easier.



But I am having a nice moment in my mind, imagining what an indoor bad weather duck bin would look like. I’m thinking either some kind of brightly painted large toy box off in one corner with a small puddle leaking out, or one of those old time artfully perforated tin storage boxes up on a closet shelf in the kitchen. Either way, faint and questionable quacks can be heard. Quack. “Hey, remember us?” Quack. “Um, it’s dark in here!” Quack. “Is the game on yet?” Not to worry though; I know for a fact that her puddle ducks are more cuddle ducks than anything. And aren’t their baby pictures just too cute for words?


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Posted by Drew458   United States  on 02/13/2011 at 02:19 PM   
Filed Under: • AnimalsDaily LifeFamilyMiscellaneous •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:
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