Tuesday - May 03, 2005

Deadly Mexican Food

I heard this on Paul Harvey. I feel safer knowing that they have captured it.

CLOVIS, N.M. - A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

Posted by Yellow Dog     on 05/03/2005 at 08:24 PM   
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They Should Have Built a Huge Vaginasicle

First they imprison “Testaclese” and now this. Penises get no respect. This is breaking news from the Laramie Boomerang (yes that really is the name of a newspaper.)

Two Laramie men are facing obscenity charges for allegedly building a snow sculpture of a phallus in their front yard.

Brandon Arp, 20, and Aric Davenport, 19, were arraigned Friday in Albany County Circuit Court on charges of promoting obscenity. Both men pleaded not guilty and are free on a $1,000 bond.

I am sorry they didn’t have a picture along with the article.

Update: Frank found a picture. It is not the actual snow dick in question, but a resonable substitute, I think. This one seems to have been sculpted by a woman.

Update to the Update: Thanks to Iteki, I have received this information, that snow dicks are mounting a huge counter offensive.

Posted by Yellow Dog     on 05/03/2005 at 08:00 PM   
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   Monday - May 02, 2005

Minor Little Accounting Error?

Insurance giant American International Group (AIG) just discovered a minor error in their books from the year 2000 to the present. How minor an error was it? Well, the company had to re-state its earnings and all accounts for the last five years and the value of the company was revised downward by $2.5 billion dollars .... yes, that is -2,500,000,000.00 dollars .... and yes, that is a negative sign.

How does a company go about losing $2.5 billion dollars? Those books weren’t cooked .... they were sauteed, twice-baked, broiled and stir-fried in double-dipped batter. $2.5 BILLION DOLLARS!

I’m steadily losing faith in corporate America, folks. The Sarbanes-Oxley Bill, which was passed by Congress after the scandals at Enron and WorldCom, didn’t do very much to stop companies like AIG from dishonest accounting. Guess why? Because the CEO’s hire teams of lawyers, use every numb-buts defense in the books and get off scot-free. White collar crime is not being punished at all. If I stole $2.5 billion dollars what do you think would happen to me? You know very well - life imprisonment in a federal pen somewhere with an oversexed roommate from the Ozarks - that’s what I’d get. What these crooks get is, six months in a country club and six months probation.

Justice? There is no such thing in America any more. There is one set of rules for the rich and another set of rules for the rest of us. When the revolution comes, guess who’ll be the first ones up against the wall (after the lawyers and politicians)?

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/02/2005 at 10:58 AM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Economics •  
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   Saturday - April 30, 2005

As The World Turns

The bride-to-be in Duluth, GA who went jogging, was kidnapped, later released by her kidnappers in Albuquerque, NM and who finally was found by police after she called her fiance .... now says she made the whole story up because she got cold feet about marrying the guy.

Got all that? Me neither. Women .... can’t live with them, can’t shoot them! I guess this woman watched all those Bugs Bunny cartoons and was determined not to “take the wrong turn at Albuquerque”.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) - A Georgia bride-to-be who vanished just days before her wedding turned up in New Mexico and fabricated a tale of abduction before admitting Saturday that she got cold feet and “needed some time alone,” police said.

Jennifer Wilbanks, 32, had called her fiance from a pay phone late Friday and told him that she was kidnapped three days earlier while she was jogging, authorities said. But she soon recanted, according to police.

“It turns out that Miss Wilbanks basically felt the pressure of this large wedding and could not handle it,” said Randy Belcher, the police chief in Duluth, Ga., the Atlanta suburb where Wilbanks lives. He said there would be no criminal charges.

Maybe she should have just eloped .... to Albuquerque. Then she and her dumbass husband could have joined the MinuteMen and helped save America from invasion instead of just providing material for another Jerry Springer episode .... and giving me a chance to use the word “Albuquerque” five times in a single post.

Is it just me or does the bride (below left) resemble Olive Oyl and the groom (below right) resemble Bluto? Where does Popeye fit into this picture? Inquiring minds want to know ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/30/2005 at 07:15 AM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Stoopid-People •  
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   Friday - April 29, 2005

Deadbeat Cookie Monsters

The Girl Scouts have had to resort to filing lawsuits to get deadbeat cookie buyers to pay up.

WAUKESHA, Wis. Apr 29, 2005 — Girl Scout cookies aren’t free, as a few alleged deadbeats are about to find out. One scout group has filed small-claims lawsuits against people who failed to pay up.

Christine Slowinski, communications director for the Girl Scouts’ Great Blue Heron Council, said the legal action Thursday came only after several efforts to collect the money from sales of cookies in the annual fund-raising campaign over the past two years.

The amounts owed by two couples and three other women ranged from $301.42 to $1,485.68.

C’mon, folks! Deadbeat dads are bad enough .. but failing to pay for the Girl Scout cookies you promised to buy? How low can people go? These poor little gals (and their parents) bust their buns to finance their organization with these marvelous (and fattening) cookies. Now, admittedly some parents of girl scouts are obnoxious enough to bring their buy lists to the office and blackmail their co-workers into guying these cookies (you know who you are), but agreeing to buy them and then not paying up is extremely naughty.

On a side not, the Girl Scouts have now added a new merit badge: lawyer.

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/29/2005 at 04:50 PM   
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   Thursday - April 28, 2005

Well, well, look at what we have here

UN Probes German Companies in Oil for Food Scandal

German companies are also involved in the kickback scandal looming over the oil for food program. United Nations investigators recently requested exports files on 50 German firms from the Foreign Ministry.

Isn’t it interesting how, one by one, all of the countries that were so “opposed” to the invasion of Iraq and the toppling of Saddam’s regime, are being found out as participating of this cluster-fornication of a program?

Bankers in the city along the Rhone River did brisk business with Saddam, even during the United Nations embargo. Saddam’s followers secretly demanded their piece of the pie: those “pieces” were shares of inflated bills issued to corporations planning to supply goods to Baghdad as part of the oil-for-food program. As one of several channels, one account held at the tony Geneva private bank Safdie could be used to transfer these kickbacks.

Posted by Mr. Christian     on 04/28/2005 at 12:23 PM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Euro-Peons • Insanity • Terrorists •  
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   Tuesday - April 26, 2005

Wise Guys

Today there are fewer gangsters in Chicago. The Chicago Mob has been hit by the G-Men. You absolutely have to go read this story. Where else can you start your day reading about wise guys like: Anthony “the Ant” Spilotro, Joey “the Clown” Lombardo, and Frank “the German” Schweihs?

“Today the Outfit takes a hit,” said US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, referring to the branch once run by Al Capone.

All 14 suspects are charged with racketeering, which carries a maximum 20-year prison term.

Eleven are charged with conspiracy to murder, and other counts include extortion, illegal gambling, threats, violence, bribery, intimidation and controlling unions, dating back to 1969.

Al Capone would be so proud of his “heirs”. The Windy City seems to still be second only to New York and Las Vegas for mob activity. In a related story, I have the hots for Dr. Melfi, Tony Soprano’s Psychiatrist (played by Lorraine Bracco). Does anyone have her phone number? I need some therapy ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/26/2005 at 08:36 AM   
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   Sunday - April 24, 2005

Logical Solution?

^{Mike Lester, Rome News-Tribune, Rome, GA}

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/24/2005 at 07:41 AM   
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   Wednesday - April 20, 2005

START THE DARWIN AWARDS 2005

This was in my in box this morning (thanks Robert.) It is funny and mostly true.

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington appeared to be the robber’s first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms. A gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.

Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award.  This guy is going to be hard to beat.

Posted by Yellow Dog     on 04/20/2005 at 11:08 AM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Firearms • Stoopid-People •  
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   Saturday - April 16, 2005

OWEEE!!! IT HURTS!!! IT HURTS!!!

Well I am about halfway through the first section of Friday’s paper, and finally, I came across some good news. Lethal injection may cause acute pain. The article seems to imply that this is a bad thing. I don’t get it. I think that we should slowly dissolve the murderers in a vat of battery acid, but I am just an excitable boy. I got an email from Barb on this subject. I suspect that she will give us the benefit of her wisdom in the near future.

Posted by Yellow Dog     on 04/16/2005 at 10:32 AM   
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   Thursday - April 14, 2005

Madness At School: Follow-Up

In reference to our recent coverage of the despicable beating and rape of a disabled female student at Mifflin High School in Columbus, Ohio we thought you should know who the administrators of the school are. You can link to the school’s web site here. So far, they have posted absolutely nothing about the revolting incident .... and the MSM remains silent on the crime as well. Where is the outrage!

Regina Crenshaw
Principal

Vincent Clarno
Assistant Principal (Grade 10)

Suzie Ritterer-Helfrich
Assistant Principal (Grade 11 & 12)

Richard Watson
Assistant Principal (Grade 9)

Linda Massey
John Harmon
Kathy Moore
Guidance Counselors

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/14/2005 at 03:38 PM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Education •  
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   Saturday - April 09, 2005

From The Halls Of Montezuma ….

.... To the parking lots of Ohio .... the US Marines are on guard. This one nabbed a purse snatcher. All in a day’s work for a Marine. Ooh-RAH!

Recruiting trip puts Marine in the right place Marine Corps Sgt. Brandon Hampson was out looking for qualified applicants Monday when he found a purse-snatcher instead. No sweat. He just used another part of his Marine training, tackled the guy and held him until police got there. Hampson, of Lancaster, aided in the arrest by the Chillicothe Police Department of Zachary Phillips, 21, of 5020 Bushmill Road. Phillips was charged with theft and taken to the Ross County Jail. Tuesday, he appeared in Chillicothe Municipal Court and was arraigned on the theft charge as well as one count of receiving stolen property. Hampson, who joined the Marines four years ago because he said it is the best thing a young man can do, said he understands the desperation of people, but stealing from a grocery shopping mom and her kid should never be an option. “They were there trying to do normal family stuff,” Hampson said. “No one was there to protect them. I was just glad I was there.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 04/09/2005 at 02:19 PM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Military •  
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   Friday - April 08, 2005

Domestic Weirdness

Imagine yourself sitting around doing your job.  Your wife gets kidnapped.  10 years go by.  Do you give up hope?  Who knows?

But what would you do if after 10 years she shows up?  And you find out she’s been living with her kidnapper?  And then she says she was kept against her will--but was never tied up?

Sorry, I smell a rat.

More GREAT news from our hallowed universities.  It’s bad enough that the professors teaching there are so full of shit but apparently they steal shit, too!  Then try to cover the stink up with money.

Yes, from Harvard, I bring you a professor who from now on should be called, “Dr. Horseshit.”

You are a criminal. You get caught.  Your lawyer defends you and says you are competent to stand trial.  You get convicted.

You appeal.

You represent yourself and say your lawyer was wrong and that you are INCOMPETENT.

Prison officials ought to immediately sterilize this moonbat so he does not procreate any more than he may have already done.

Oh, and he’s a real “MOON"bat, too.  He’s tried filing mining claims on asteroid belts, Jupiter, etc.

This could very well have implications for OCM.

A friend gets arrested.  You go post bail.  You use currency which smells like dope. They arrest you for possession.  The next morning, the friend you came to bail out has to come bail you out.

How stupid can people be?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 04/08/2005 at 04:01 AM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Education • Miscellaneous •  
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   Wednesday - April 06, 2005

England, Land Of Liberal Asshats

Like the US, England has laws currently on the books prohibiting criminals from voting.

Except now England wants to give ALL criminals the right to vote.

As said so succinctly by those protesting this move:

those excluded from society should not have a say over the way it is governed.

I could not agree more.

“one of the jobs of prisons is to make them better citizens.”

Somehow these moral relativist asshats and believers in some sort of “feel-good” nonsense seem to think this proposal will somehow make criminals decent people again.  What fools!  What lunacy!!!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 04/06/2005 at 04:07 AM   
Filed Under: • Crime • Euro-Peons •  
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