Thursday - November 09, 2006

Book Review

Destined for Destiny:
The Unauthorized Autobiography
Of George W. Bush
(AMAZON) - $19.95, Scribner - 192 pages - ISBN: 0743299663

Since you’re all in a Bush-bashing mood this week, I suppose it’s only fair that I give you something to help you along without driving you all the way to Bush Derangement Syndrome (BDS). This book will help you put it all in perspective as you recover from Black Tuesday. After all, as they say, laughter is the best medicine and if you’re going to laugh, you might as well laugh at The Great Decider.

Now before you go getting any silly ideas that this is a “real” autobiography of our 43rd President, let me assure you that there ain’t a word of truth in it. Well, except for a few choice chapters which I will not mention lest the Secret Service come looking for The Skipper and force me to go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney. In fact, the introduction was “written by” Cheney (notice the quotes around those two words - that is supposed to be a hint).

Now for the real hint about the nature of this book .... it was written by Scott Dikkers, editor-in-chief of The Onion and Peter Hilleren, who is billed as “former producer of some of the nation’s finest public-access cable-television stations.” Now, if you’ve ever visited The Onion’s web site, you know the folks there ain’t playing with a full deck and when you think of public-access cable-television, what’s the first thing that pops into your head? Why ... “Wayne’s World”, of course.

Now supposedly these two literary giants were invited by President Bush to assist in writing his autobiography. This was done because “Dubya” as he is known, was only a “C” student in college and has always had a problem with fancy words like “nukular.” That’s where Dikkers and Hilleren came in. In numerous sesions in the Oval Office over pizza and beer, they managed to get the inside scoop on the life of the former owner of the Texas Rangers baseball team.

I have to admit that I laughed from page to page and laughed so hard I was in tears at certain dramatic “revelations” by our greatest living President. I have to give this book five stars for giving me something to go back and browse through during this week of gloom and doom. Let me give you a few choice tidbits from the book to whet your appetite.

On Al Gore and the 2000 Election:

My ultimate opponent in the election was an adversary who seemed to be more machine than man. In other words, he served not his fellow man, but the mechanized bureaucracy of government, and he promised only to increase its size to the greatest in our nation’s history. This mechanical man could recite facts to promote his machine agenda of “taking care” of the environment, of “educating” young people in the sciences and “making friends” with other countries.

This man was named Al Gore, and he was a sitting Vice President. I did not have a nickname for him because I did not have warm feelings for him. I only felt for him what one might feel for a calculator or other type of inhuman thinking box. When we were in close proximity, I could hear the gears in his mind grind when he spoke, and I could see the circuitry in his eyes. And as I campaigned, I began to understand his agenda. He wanted the machines to take over the world.

On John Kerry and the 2004 Election:

Finally, the Democrats boldly attempted to find a candidate who they felt had the best chance of winning. But they could not find one. Many opponents emerged from their opponentry enclaves. There was a funny black man. A screaming man. A very old man. And a very small man who appeared to be a troll of some kind. They were all eliminated by infighting, and by the good laws on the books that keep such people out of public office.

After these initial failures, they did not give up their fight. They turned to dark forces, and created a candidate using perverted science. John Kerry was what they called it. It was a monstrosity put together in a madman’s secret laboratory, a combination of living matter of many different candidates. He had the tall, lanky torso of Abe Lincoln, and the brain of my previous opponent, Al Gore. he also had Michael Dukakis’s hair, Walter Mondale’s charm, and the strong lower jaw of Herman Munster, the great Democratic President of the 1960’s. John Kerry was a scary man, and a scary opponent. His massive block head stared down at you as he lurched at you, as if reaching for your throat. His face was frozen in a grim scowl, the frightful result of the forbidden experiments of his face-builders.

  Go grab a copy now. It’ll cheer you up. 

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/09/2006 at 03:53 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor • Literature •  
• Comments (3) • Trackbacks (0) • Permalink •  

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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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