Wednesday - June 01, 2011

at last. obama advice bmews can listen to. sort of.

Pay attention folks.

There might be something here worth listening to. Or in this case, reading. He is the prez ya know.

Barack Obama (as told to Craig Brown): Can we shift those stains? Yes we can!
By CRAIG BROWN

President Barack Obama answers all your household problems. This week: STAIN REMOVAL

Q Dear President Obama, My white shirt has chewing gum stuck to it. Any suggestions?

Vanessa Phelps, Stevenage, Herts.

A.  Let this be known. Where there is chewing gum, there shall always be a problem.  But let there be no doubt. It is a problem we shall overcome.

Be that gum on the lowermost reaches of the heel of your shoe, or be it on the uppermost reaches of your beehive hair-do, let this be known.

We shall not rest in our struggle for its removal.

The problem is clear. Of that there is no question.

There is gum sticking in a place in which gum has no purpose to be stuck.

How do we remove this gum? That is the question.

And it is a question we do not possess the capacity to answer.

Yes — these things are beyond our power to control.

But this does not mean we are powerless to control them.

Vanessa — let me ask you this.

Have you tried rubbing your shirt with peanut butter?

If you do this, we shall demonstrate a simple truth to all mankind.

Gum may be in our hearts.  But it has no place on our shirts.

Q Dear President Obama, having followed your advice, I now have two further problems. The gum that used to be on my shirt is now stuck to the carpet. Meanwhile, my white shirt has peanut butter smeared all over it. Suggestions, please!

Vanessa Phelps, Stevenage, Herts.

A.  Thank you, Vanessa, for that powerful message. And let this be known.

We share your distress at the peanut butter that has smeared itself over your white shirt.

And we stand side by side you and all in your community in your valiant struggle to remove that gum from your carpet.

Yes, we may be powerless in the face of adversity. But remember this, Vanessa: we are not powerless in the face of adversity.

This is what you proved to the world when you removed that gum from your shirt with peanut butter.

And let this be known.

You shall prove it once again, Vanessa, when you follow my advice to assuage the memory of that peanut butter by applying motor-oil to your shirt with a toothbrush.

And let us not forget the gum that sticks to your carpet.

The surest way to move forward on that carpet in the days and weeks ahead, Vanessa, is to remove the gum with a vigorous application of vinegar on a handkerchief.

And let this be not forgotten.

In your fight against the peanut butter on your shirt and the gum on your carpet we shall be with you every step of the way.

Q Dear President Obama, Thank you for all your help so far! I really don’t know what I would have done without you! As you’ve been so much help, I was wondering if I could now trouble you with four new problems?

Do you have any handy tips for getting rid of vinegar on a carpet, motor oil on a shirt, peanut butter on a toothbrush, and chewing gum on a handkerchief?

Vanessa Phelps, Stevenage, Herts.

A.  These stains are real and they are everywhere, Vanessa.

They are your stains; they are my stains.

They are stains that belong to us all. On the most profound level, these stains remind us that — yes — we are all human beings, united under the Almighty.

You ask me, Vanessa, how to get rid of your stains.

Stains of vinegar. Of motor oil. Of peanut butter. And of chewing gum.

And I tell you this, Vanessa. Harness urine to shift the vinegar, milk to shift the motor oil, and red wine to shift the peanut butter.

And let us not forget the chewing gum, Vanessa. It is gum that reminds us who we are. It is gum that will not let us go. As we adhere to our planet, so does our gum adhere to us.

And as we witness our gum stuck to our handkerchief, we ask ourselves this. How did it get there, and how will we make it go?

These are questions to which there are no easy answers, Vanessa.

But why not try sloshing blackcurrant juice over it?

ASK BARAK

Posted by peiper     on 06/01/2011 at 01:52 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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