Saturday - May 05, 2007

Another School Massacre

It seems not a week goes by but we have another killing rampage at another American school. This week the killer was not a gun though. The local gang of firearms have all been cleared of this tragic crime after police found solid alibis for every pistol and rifle in town.

Finally, yesterday the perpetrator was apprehended and taken to jail. A subsequent lineup and identification by students found the number one suspect is a yellow Ticonderoga #2 pencil of average height, weight and a slightly balding eraser. (shown in mug shot at right after booking)

The pencil is currently being held without bail and several lawsuits have been filed by the Kansas state attorney general against the Ticonderoga pencil company for negligence in not providing any of the new “pencil locks” for the weapons. Lawmakers in Washington are once again looking at re-enacting the 1997 Assault Pencil Ban Act.

The National Pencil Association responded with a press release, saying “Pencils don’t kill people, pencils draw people.” In response, anti-pencil spokeswoman Flower DuPlessis of San Francisco stated “Oh yeah? What about that whole ‘pen is mightier than the sword’ thing?”

At the very least, this horrible incident will probably lead to increased waiting periods and psychiatric evaluation of purchasers from only licensed pencil dealers, according to Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives and Writing implements (BATFEW).

In the meantime, there will be a candlelight vigil at the Kansas school tonight for the victims. All students have had all pencils and pens appropriated by school authorities and replaced with black crayola crayons to complete their homework.

In a related story, sixth-grade boys evidently don’t have very good sense and will quite often do some very strange things either to get attention or just out of plain stupidity. That’s why they’re boys. It’s also why fathers of sixth-grade boys have belts and paddles as teaching aids for instructing the little brats in proper pencil use.

Killing of 3 Ducks Alarms Kansas School
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - May 4, 2007, 12:50 PM EDT

A sixth-grader stabbed to death a mother duck and two ducklings that had nested near a school, distressing the other children and alarming officials who said the boy needs mental health treatment.

Students at Wilbur Middle School had named the mother duck Lucy and were monitoring her and her brood, making sure no one disturbed the nest in a grassy creek bed. Their mutilated bodies—stabbed with a pencil—were found this week.

An announcement over the public address system led the boy to admit the killings, officials said. They said he had also talked about the act to classmates and didn’t understand why it was wrong. The boy, whose name was not released, was suspended Wednesday. His return to the school will hinge on a hearing.

School officials were responding “the way we do whenever we believe that a child might be a risk to himself or others,” said Liz McGinness, who coordinates the district’s mental health crisis team.

She said his parents were being told they must seek outside mental health care. “We really don’t mince words on this,” she said. “We know that animal cruelty is a very serious, significant behavior.”

No decision has been made on possible criminal charges. Killing mallard ducks is illegal this time of year, and even in hunting season, the way they were killed would be illegal, officials said.

Mark Rankin, assistant director of law enforcement for the Kansas Department of Wildlife and Parks, said the boy may not be charged because of his age. A hunting violation charge could bring an adult up to seven days in jail and a $250 fine, while animal cruelty carries up to a year in jail and $10,000 in fines, he said.

Kris Meckenstock said his seventh-grade son helped monitor the nest and “just can’t believe somebody could be so mean. By the same token, I think that kid obviously needs help,” Meckenstock added. “My thought is, we need to look a little bit further and find out why somebody would have those tendencies.” Wilbur students and staff held a ceremony Thursday “to share their grief for these animals,” McGinness said.

Posted by The Skipper     on 05/05/2007 at 05:43 AM   
Filed Under: • Education • Satire • Stoopid-People •  
• Comments (7) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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