Thursday - December 31, 2009

A BRAIN DEAD COUSIN AND AN ENEMA … doesn’t get weirder nor funnier then this.

I just had to stick my head in the door for a minute or two.  This will be a somewhat unusual post because I already did it a year ago.
However, I have reason to post it again as there has been an update to something I once titled,
POOR BRAIN DEAD COUSIN JO.

For our readers who are here for the first time, and for those who are steady but new to BMEWS just a bit of background so you’ll understand some of my referrences to being in bed early or being very tired etc.

In April of 2004 my Brit wife and I sold up everything we had in California and what wasn’t sold was given away.  We sold the home and everything else went to charity. We moved here to the UK to care for the wife’s elderly mother who could no longer live alone and became bedridden for the last two or three years of her life.  We finally got our lives back when the old dear (NOT to me) breathed her last on Jan.9th of ‘09. 

Now then, the wife has a cousin (Jo) who lives close by and who happens to be a kind person. She truly is that.  She is 72 and has somehow managed to keep a pretty trim figure and still looks good in jeans and high heels.  In her working life till 65, she was a BLUE BADGE guide.  She knows the history of this particular place and English history as well as you know your own name.  She once was chosen to do one of the tours on the Orient Express, and they don’t allow just any old person to do that. You really,really must be qualified.  Ah but very sadly ..... Cousin Jo also has a brain the size of a grain of sand.  She talks so much she has two buttons. ON and Still ON. There isn’t any off switch.

Now then readers, here’s what I wrote last year at this same time.  But keep reading because the UPDATE at the end will be the most unbelievable thing you will have read in this outgoing year. 

POOR BRAIN DEAD COUSIN JO
Jay’s Dec. Rant.  12-26-08
A very tiring day and I mean eyes closing as I write.  Not so much due anything we did today.  Fairly lazy day overall except for lunatic news stories which are posted. No.

What has me ready to fall asleep was an overlong visit from a cousin of the wife.  2 hours and 20 minutes of non stop talk by cousin Jo.

She is a kindly and charitable person but alas, she’s brain dead.  I haven’t a clue how she has survived the 20th. century.

She always has to be asked finally, and somewhat kindly, please leave now.  And it still takes her somewhere between 10 and 30 minutes to do that.

She has been taking a senior citizen computer class and sad to say her problem is mostly that she is NOT a listener. She will ask you a question and talk right through your answer.  She manages to get everything screwed up.  And she can NEVER tell a tale from A to Z without serious detours.

Example:
She is telling us about this class she has been in for months now in the village of WI.  The village about a mile down the road.

This is her speaking, please pay attention or you will miss what she is trying to say about her computer class.

Jo speaks:
“The class is made up of and I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t caught the #18 bus in London oh but wait, no, no before that I went to Peters Street where I got the #32 , oh lets see, yes that’s right, which went as far as ? where I got the #20 bus which runs and then when I finally got the #18 bus but the 32 was late anyway.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH !!!!!

How the hell did we manage to be on all those fracken London buses in the village of WI next door?  They’re over a hundred miles apart anyway.

She doesn’t come over often but every time she does I make it clear what our routine is here due to the old lady’s care and Jenn is quite tired yadda,yadda.  And every single time she says sorry she didn’t know and we dance the same routine.

Have you noticed that when people say “I only came by for a minute or two,” that they are lying?

At 5:10pm I said Jo, ya know Jenn is usually in bed by this time. She’s up early, she’s tired and I need a break too.
Oh dear says she. I’m sorry. I must be getting off now. Oh Jenn I won’t keep you.  But Jenn (the one who’s civilized here) makes the mistake of saying “Oh that’s ok Jo.” So Jo drags out her leave taking and asks, oh where’s my coat, while turning in a complete circle as though she is looking for her coat, which is on a chair in the entrance hall right through the door to her right. Just inside the front door.
I mean, this isn’t Windsor Palace after all.  One does not get lost in this tiny three rooms downstairs bungalow, unless one has a brain the size of a grain of sand.

But she does finally exit the front door at 5:20pm. What happened between 5:10 and 5:20 then?  Oh boy, oh boy I’m glad you asked.

She was getting instructions from my sainted wife on, “ HOW TO READ IN BED.”

What?  You think I have the imagination to make that up?
No kidding.  She says her problem is that every time she tries to read in bed, the book falls on her head.  Why is it falling on her head?  Because she is trying to read laying down and holding the book up at the same time. And she is falling asleep. DOH!

The poor woman is BRAIN DEAD!

UPDATE-UPDATE-UPDATE-UPDATE-UPDATE-UPDATE

Today is Thursday, it’s now the 31st of December, 2009.

The phone rang a couple days ago.  Ring,ring,ring,ring.  Hello ..
Ohhh, Hi. It’s me (Jo) and I have a question.  She always starts her phone conversations that way.  There is a slight questioning sound as though she has dialled the wrong number when she says “Oh.”
So then the lady has a question.  Sure Jo say I say, go ahead.

“Yes well, I have to give myself an enema.  I have never done that before and don’t know how.” Huh?  Jo, in all your life you have never …. you know … you’ve never had to ….  cough …

Further to the question she states, “I’m supposed to put this thing they sent me in my bum.”

Well Jo I’d come over and do it for ya but I’m tied up at the moment.  We laff. Haha but she is serious.  She hasn’t a clue.

She informs me that she is having a medical exam.  An Endoscopy.  Jo I say, wait a minute.  (Jo keeps talking) When I finally got her attention, I said I just had one of those, and you do not have to cleanse your innards or empty yourself for that procedure.  Oh she says, but they sent me this tube and instructions of some kind to lay on my left side but I still don’t see how it’s done.  And it comes from the Endoscopy dept.  So, after five minutes more of conversation with me gagging and trying not to laugh, we find that it’s the Endoscopy Dept BUT the Gastroenterology UNIT that has sent her the little bottle of Fleets.  We ended the conversation with her saying she’d call her doctor in the morning and double check.

AND SO ENDS THE YEAR 2009 WITH POOR, BRAIN DEAD, COUSIN JO.

Stay Tuned!

Posted by peiper     on 12/31/2009 at 03:01 PM   
Filed Under: • Personal • Stoopid-People •  
• Comments (2) • Trackbacks(0)  Permalink •  

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