Sunday - February 04, 2007

The Stupor Bowl

Well, the Big Day is here. It all begins at 12:00pm ET on CBS with “Road To The Super Bowl”, followed at 1:00 by “Phil Simms All Iron Team” and “Super Bowl Today” at 2:00 (which will involve four hours of dissecting everything and delving into every bit of Super Bowl minutiae possible). Finally, at 6:00pm (if you aren’t comatose by then) the pre-game show begins and sometime in the next half hour they will actually kickoff and start playing the bloody damn game.

Around 8:30 the two teams will break apart and go for a gatorade break while The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Who Is Now Known As Prince Again takes the stage and, God willing, will manage to avoid a wardrobe malfunction. At the same time 300 million toilets across the country will flush, causing a massive tidal wave to hit both oceans and awaken Godzilla for the final showdown with Mothra.

Sometime around 10:00pm, most of America will be in a coma from ten hours of football hype and 60 minutes of actual game. Because the entire country will be in a stupor and unable to comprehend what is going on in the outside world, we will awaken on Monday morning to find that Luxembourg has invaded and taken over the country.

As for the game ... the Colts are 7-point favorites but I predict the margin of victory will be much worse for Bears fans. Final score: 34-10, Colts over Bears. I will be unconscious by the time the game ends. Wake me when the commanding General of the Luxembourg Army (all 38 of them) accepts our surrender ...

_{John Cole - The Scranton (PA) Times}

The Big Game

-- by Will Durst

The two-minute warning has sounded and you can almost smell relief approaching like a cheese pretzel from drunken Raider fans two sections away. They always string it out, but this year our “get it over with already” meter is pinning deep in the red as the NFL season mercifully comes to an end on Sunday.

The Indianapolis Colts will take the field as seven-point favorites against the Chicago Bears, in what is being called the I-65 Showdown, named for the 160 miles of freeway that separates the two cities and not the average IQ of anybody who still gives a rat’s ass after two long weeks of empty hype. Do we really need to analyze the coaches’ horoscopes down to the moon signs? Throw in six-and-a-half hours of pre game coverage yet to come, and we’re talking PR OD.

Super Bowl XLI, fancy roman numeral language for 41, is being held in Miami, the same city planning to host a “Hooray, Fidel Castro has Assumed Room Temperature Party,” as soon as the khaki-clad Cuban shuffles off his mortal coil, which could be any day now. I, like CBS, pray the bearded one will have the good grace to hang on until Monday, sparing South Floridians from having to decide which supreme sporting event to celebrate. Personally, I’m rooting for Fidel to dodge the reaper’s summons and to continue to afflict US presidents with his mere presence for another II or III decades.

The Colts are fronted by Peyton Manning, VII-time Pro Bowler, who finally shot the “can’t make it to the big game” monkey off his back with the same rifle arm he used to knock down the New England Patriots way back II weeks ago when people still cared. The Bears are led by the lieutenant of lackluster, quarterback Rex Grossman, an ineffectual leader who has lucked out being associated with a finely tuned defensive machine. An athlete the White House can relate to.

But whatever you do, don’t you dare go calling it the Super Bowl. Only the NFL and carefully chosen advertisers (anybody silly enough to pony up $II.VI million for XXX seconds of airtime) get to call it that. You and I and other mere mortals trying to sell TVs or corn chips or attract customers to a bar to watch the game have to use euphemisms like “the Big Game” or “the You-Know-What-Bowl” or “the deal with those guys at that place with the thing” or risk having our butts sued off by lawyers with really expensive tassels on their loafers and MMM kilowatt smiles that scare sharks.

So, yeah, I’ll watch, mostly for the commercials, and will probably fix up a bowl of guacamole and some quesadillas, because to me, Mexican food shouts “Super Bowl.” And since neither the Packers nor the IXers are involved, I’ll root for the Colts, as their fair city has never won… anything… ever, except the record for auto accidents over Memorial Day weekend. Also because even though they’re the favorites, they’re still the underdogs, if you know what I mean.

But the best part about Sunday is right after Jim Nance and Prince put away their makeup and some VIIth of a ton, no-neck, piece of premium beef walks off the field raising a finger to the sky talking about Disneyland, only X days remain before pitchers and catchers report. And baseball season starts. And all will be right with the world.

---

_{Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and XXI-foot step van driver, Will Durst, already has reservations for spring training. Catch Durst in stand-up mode as part of the University of California, East Bay benefit on Saturday, February IIIrd in Hayward, California. Copyright ©2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See http://www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will’s performance schedule and listen to his twice-weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.}

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/04/2007 at 06:32 AM   
Filed Under: • Sports •  
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Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-COLD!

Global Warming Panel Blunt About Rising Temperatures, Bleak Future
_{PARIS (AP) - February 1, 2007}

A panel of international scientists predicted Friday that global warming will continue for centuries no matter how much people control pollution, in a bleak report that blamed humans for killer heat waves, devastating droughts and stronger storms.

The report said people were “very likely” the cause of global warming - the strongest conclusion to date - and placed the burden on governments to take action. “It’s later than we think,” said Susan Solomon, co-chair of Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.

Man-made emissions of greenhouse gases are to blame for fewer cold days, hotter nights, heat waves, floods and heavy rains, droughts and stronger storms, particularly in the Atlantic Ocean, the 21-page report said. It highlighted “increases in global average air and ocean temperatures, widespread melting of snow and ice, and rising global mean sea level.”

Authors of the report called it conservative: It used only peer-reviewed published science and was edited by representatives of 113 governments who had to agree to every word. It was a snapshot of where the world is with global warming and where it is heading, but does not tell governments what to do.

Yet if nothing is done, the world is looking at billions of dollars in costs adapting to a warmer world over the next century, co-author Kevin Trenberth said in an interview. He also warned of at least 1 million deaths in droughts, floods and hurricanes. The study said no matter how much civilization slows or reduces its greenhouse gas emissions, global warming and sea-level rise will continue for centuries.

- More ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/04/2007 at 05:24 AM   
Filed Under: • Climate-Weather •  
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Sunday Funnies

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/04/2007 at 04:58 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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   Saturday - February 03, 2007

Barking Moonbat Of The Week

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 01:12 PM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists •  
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Guidebook For Liberal Trolls

1. Make things up about the person you are attacking: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, The Skipper is a liar, an asshole and a neo-con to boot.”

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. “Wardmama, by using the word ‘zucchini’ in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis envy.”

3. Cross-post your flames everywhere: Every conservative blogger on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller Empire to VodkaPundit, they’re all holding their breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone’s against you, the reason can’t *possibly* be that you’re a shithead. There’s obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. “By saying that I’ve posted to the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha.”

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if George Bush states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn’t written an article on Bush’s pasta preferences, then Bush is obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseum,” “veni, vidi, vici,” and “fettuccini alfredo.”

8. Tell ‘em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. “I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word ‘neanderthal’ .”

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship: It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a fascist, or even worse ... a “neo-con”.

10. Doubt their existence: You’ve never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you’re the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn’t you? Therefore, THEY DON’T EXIST! This is the beauty of Liberals’ logic.

11. Don’t hold back: Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. Leave no stone unturned. Hate everything. Attack them all. As a last resort you may even quote heavy metal rock lyrics to justify your argument. Nine Inch Nails is good. Twisted Sister is better.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Liberal troll you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a freaking retard. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! “Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 12:27 PM   
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Weird News Story Of The Week

In order for a news story to qualify for Weird News Story Of The Week it must have either: (a) stolen body parts, (b) strippers, or (c) memorable quotes. Occasionally we luck up and come across a story with all three. What more could you ask for ....

N.J. Doctor Stole Hand From Cadaver to Give to Exotic Dancer
_{NEWARK, N.J. (FOX NEWS) - Friday , February 02, 2007}

A doctor pleaded guilty Thursday to stealing a hand from a cadaver at the University of Medicine and Dentistry in Newark. The hand was later found by police at the home of a stripper in South Plainfield. Under a plea agreement, Ahmed Rashed, 26, pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of third-degree theft, said Middlesex County Assistant Prosecutor Judson Hamlin.

Rashed will be prohibited from seeking a license to practice medicine in New Jersey while he is on probation. Hamlin said he will recommend five years of probation at Rashed’s sentencing hearing, scheduled for March 1. “It was certainly a unique case, but one that attracted more attention than more serious crimes before and after,” Hamlin said.

Rashed got to know Linda Kay, an exotic dancer, while he was a medical student. He gave the left hand to Kay, 31, during one of his visits the club where she worked, Hott 22 in Union, which features all-nude dancers.

“Our investigation revealed that she expressed an interest to him in acquiring one, and he followed through with her request,” Hamlin said. Rashed’s attorney, Kalman Geist, said his client, while a first-year medical student in 2002, removed the hand from a fully dissected cadaver that was scheduled for cremation.

“He was unaware that the act was criminal, although a lack of that knowledge is not a defense,” Geist said. “He meant no disrespect,” Geist added. “It appears that this body had served its purpose.”

South Plainfield police responding to a report of a suicidal man at Kay’s home in July did not find a man, but did discover the severed hand in a jar on Kay’s dresser.

A grand jury indicted Kay on a receiving stolen property charge, which was resolved when she agreed to be enrolled in a supervision program for one year, Hamlin said. Kay’s attorney, Donald DiGioia, said his client will appear in court on Feb. 9 and has maintained that she is not guilty.

He said Rashed made an error in judgment as a medical professional, “but she’s not guilty of any crimes,” DiGioia said. “Unfortunately, the doctor violated the trust that the hospital had in him. She’s in a different situation than a medical professional.”

Rashed is currently in his third-year of residency at a hospital of the Watts section of Los Angeles. “A lot of people do things when they’re 22 that they wouldn’t do 10 years later,” Geist said.

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 01:35 AM   
Filed Under: • Odd-Strange •  
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Saturday Silliness

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 01:22 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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Weekend Eye Candy

Now us real men know there are only two magazines that really matter: (1) Guns & Ammo so we can keep our munitions stockpiled and keep up to date on the newest weaponry, and (2) Victoria’s Secret so we can keep our womenfolk all prettied up and sexy. Of course, Playboy is right up there in the Top Three also.

With that in mind we present this week’s Eye Candy. No, not nekkid pictures of an M1911A1, you dumb fool. No, this week our pal Hugh Hefner, over at the mansion, gives us an inside peek at the Girls of Victoria’s Secret. Some of them have those sexy outfits on and some don’t. Either way, it’s an eyeful. So without further ado here are five lovely ladies of our second favorite magazine. Click the thumbnail below and enter the gallery ....

Warning: NSFW

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 01:00 AM   
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Friggin’ Cold!

I just woke up to get a glass of water. Forget it! Nothing coming out of the faucet but a reminder that I forgot to let the water drip before going to bed. Glancing at my indoor/outdoor weather thingamabob, it tells me we are in single digits. No shit!?

The front door is frozen shut. It’s warmer in my refrigerator than it is outside. I’m afraid we’re frozen in here in America’s heartland. Glow-bull warming my aching hipbone. I’ve had enough of this crap. When does the next train South leave for Alabama.? I need to get back to Dixie - like ... real damn soon. I may stop in Tennessee and visit ol’ Al Bore on the way. Maybe trash his weather machine while I’m there. I need a plan ...

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/03/2007 at 12:04 AM   
Filed Under: • Climate-Weather •  
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   Friday - February 02, 2007

Through The Looking Glass

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 04:03 PM   
Filed Under: • Art-Photography •  
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Glow-Bull Warming Report

• Tornados, severe thunderstorms rip Central Florida a new arsehole.


• Punxatawney Phil didn’t see his shadow, predicts early spring.


• The rest of the country is freezing it’s collective cojones off in deep snow.


• Our Bit friends are going to brainwash all their schoolchildren with Al Gore’s movie.


• The United Nations goes to Paris to accuse all mankind of causing glowbull warming.

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 01:05 PM   
Filed Under: • Climate-Weather •  
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East Meets West

_{Mike Lester - Rome (GA) News-Tribune}

The best remedy for any problem is usually the simplest. It then follows that we should seriously consider the following conjecture and its ramifications as a quintessential, therefore irrefutable, example of Occam’s razor.

A group of security and climate experts in London postulated Wednesday that global warming fuels terrorism and acts of violence in areas of the world that are most affected by recent climate changes.

Crispin Tickell, a former British ambassador to the United Nations, hinged his assertions heavily on the inevitable human propensity toward violence as a surviving mechanism - a wonderfully straightforward interpretation of all human behavior. As global warming increases, humans will unavoidably degenerate into a pack of thieving, murderous brutes. Simply stated: the weather determines how we behave.

The premise is so straightforward, it demands we jettison all other supposedly rational, superfluous explanations for terrorism and violent behavior in general. Why get muddled in needless, unnecessary details? We needn’t concern ourselves with minor details such as a region’s history. Religious differences, societal differences, ethnic differences and political differences are all moot points in describing the reasons for the violence in the Middle East and other hot spots across the globe. After all, those explanations are much too complicated - it must be the weather.

Thanks to Tickell and like-minded experts, we now have a much nobler reason to fight global warming. No longer should we be concerned with it simply because climate changes are increasing the levels of CO2 in our atmosphere, melting glaciers and drastically changing ecosystems.

Preserving Earth isn’t a noble enough aspiration, but stamping out terrorism by changing the global average temperature; that’s a much simpler, noble reason.

- BYU NewsNet - Editorial: “End Global Warming, End Terrorism”

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 11:50 AM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Humor •  
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Really Really Really Strange News Story Of The Week

Your mission for today is to create a name for this medical condition that compels someone to compulsively collect tombstones. I’ve got dibs on “mortilapidophiliac”.

47 Tombstones Found in Dead Man’s Locker
_{LINCOLN, Neb. (NEWSDAY) - February 2, 2007, 10:21 AM EST}

A dead man’s storage locker yielded dozens of tombstones, a macabre collection that police believe represents “a lifetime of stealing.” Some of the 47 gravestones date to the late 1800s; others are relatively recent. Police say they probably came from different cemeteries at different times.

The markers were found by the family of a Lincoln man who died last summer, but it wasn’t until Thursday that police matched the first one to a grave. Police Chief Tom Casady found the mother named on a stone that said only: “Infant son of Charles & Janice Schmidt 1965.”

Janice Schmidt of Clatonia, 25 miles south of Lincoln, said she and her husband had always thought of their stillborn baby as Michael Shawn Schmidt, so in 2000 they put in a new stone with the name.

She was shocked that the original gravestone had turned up in a storage unit. “To think that it was stolen from wherever it was stolen from, you feel kind of hurt or violated,” she said.

Casady said the tombstone collection “probably came from a lifetime of stealing headstones.” Seeking more families, investigators are checking death certificates and have also put photos of the gravestones on their Web site.

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 11:27 AM   
Filed Under: • Odd-Strange •  
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Quote Of The Day

“I was dead wrong in using the word mercenary to describe the American soldier today. These men and women are not fighting for money with little regard for the nation. The situation might be much worse than that: Evidently, far too many in uniform believe that they are the one true nation. They hide behind the constitution and the flag and then spew an anti-Democrat, anti-liberal, anti-journalism, anti-dissent, and anti-citizen message that reflects a certain contempt for the American people.”

-- William Arkin, Washington Post blogger in a post yesterday entitled “The Arrogant And Intolerant Speak Out” in which he started to apologize for calling American troops “mercenaries” but ended up bashing the troops anyway as well as thousands of people who responded angrily to his earlier post which was entitled “The Troops Also Need to Support the American People”

Posted by The Skipper     on 02/02/2007 at 11:03 AM   
Filed Under: • Stoopid-People •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

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It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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