Barking Moonbat Early Warning System

When Sarah Palin booked a flight to Europe, the French immediately surrendered.

Thursday - May 05, 2005

Important Bulletin!

The Skipper will not be wearing pants tomorrow. You ladies have been warned ....

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 07:56 PM
Filed Under: • Personal •
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Half A Million?

I just took a look at the blog’s hit counter and we’re approaching 500,000 unique visits. It took nearly a year and a half and visitors from over 120 different countries. Currently, we’re serving up pages to over 2,000 visitors per day. Where the f**k do you folks find time to come by and visit?

I’m glad you enjoy the blog and I promise to continue the great stuff we discover here. Now, can anyone guess the date when we go over the 500,000 mark? Enter your best guess in the comments. The winner gets a night out on the town with Dottie, Barb, Phoenix, Lisar915, Denise, Severa and .... Oh wait a minute, if the winner is a female, you get a night out on the town with .... The Skipper!

Aw, c’mon! Why are you ladies walking away? Please! I’ll hire Chippendales! Hold on a minutes, gals ....

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 07:28 PM
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Bad Day At The Office

Have you ever had one of those really bad days at the office where your computer refuses to connect to the network, your e-mail refuses to download, the records you need are “currently unavailable” and the coffee machine is on the blink? Yeah, I know .. every Monday starts like that, don’t it? Well, I’m here to tell you that you “ain’t seen nothing yet” ....

See More Below The Fold

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 07:09 PM
Filed Under: • Humor •
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Memo To Steel Turman:

Bad news, ol’ buddy. Phoenix says if you don’t get well and get your dumb ass back here and talk to us, she is going to have to go running back to the arms of “Raymond” and his gorgeous gourds ....

Yikes! Steel, I’m begging you to get up off your sick bed and save this woman from a fate worse than death. Jeez! This ugly dude’s got some big, hairy gourds. Are you up for a battle for the ladie’s hand? If not, we will witness a tragedy ....

Developing ....

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 05:48 PM
Filed Under: • Personal •
• Comments (6)

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Let’s Party!

Today is Cinco De Mayo, in which we celebrate the famous Mexican, Senor Miguel Kraft, who invented Mayonnaise, or “Mayo” as we know it today ....

Yes, without the contribution of Senor Kraft, our sandwiches would be awful dry and our hot dogs pretty darned bland. We pause today to thank this hero of cuisine and ......

(nudge, nudge - pssst, skipper!)

What? Can’t you see I’m espostulating to the populace here, boy? What’s wrong?

(uh .. erh .. skipper, there is no senor mayo. today is a day to celebrate mexico’s independence.)

Eegads, boy! Is that true? Are you sure? This isn’t some devious plot by the Democratic Party is it?

(nope, skipper. trust me on this. somebody misinformed you about today’s party. it must have been a liberal spy.)

Well, blow me down, boy! That will not do.

Ahem! Ladies & Gentlemen! Please disregard the previous statement above. Today is a Mess-Can holiday. Let’s celebrate by sending all of them back across the border. REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 01:22 PM
Filed Under: • Humor • Illegal-Aliens and Immigration •
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Got Sand?

I know many of you have seen these, but it amazes me that the forces of nature are so powerful somtimes.
From Reuters

A massive sand storm cloud is close to enveloping a military camp as it rolls over Al Asad, Iraq, April 27, 2005.

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Posted by Drew458

on 05/05/2005 at 01:22 PM
Filed Under: • Art-Photography •
• Comments (3)

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Important Bulletin

All right! Enough is enough. Right now, two of my blog-friends are down and out in pretty bad health .. OldCatMan and Steel Turman. I’ve had enough of this crap. You grumpy old farts need to take better care of yourselves. OCM is having surgery today to correct a pinched nerve from his auto accident a few months ago. Steel is under the weather too. Both are in need of a little cheering up. I’ll keep you all updated but for now just pray for these two infidels.

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 09:47 AM
Filed Under: • Personal •
• Comments (15)

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Florida Legislators Get One Right

Yes, you read that headline right. Florida has decided to get rid of the old state motto “Florida: Dumber Than A Rock” and start acting intelligent. A few weeks ago the state passed legislation changing the gun laws to something that made more sense and now the Florida legislators in Tallahassee have come up with another “common sense gem” .... for men paying alimony ....

Fla. to Allow Judges to Cut Off Alimony

By DAVID ROYSE
Associated Press Writer

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP)—After debating the heartache of divorce, shacking up for convenience and romantics who “still believe in love,” lawmakers voted Wednesday to let judges reduce or eliminate alimony when the person receiving it moves in with someone else.

“This bill is more like a country-western song than good legislation,” complained Republican state Rep. Nancy Detert after the 68-44 House vote.

Judges generally end alimony when the recipient remarries, but courts in Florida have disagreed about what to do about people who - in the words of one lawmaker - “take themselves right up to the line of remarrying” by moving in with someone else.

Some lawmakers argued it doesn’t make sense that the money might even go to support the person who replaced the old spouse.

“It’s a bad enough heartache when someone you love leaves, many times for another person,” said Republican Rep. Dennis Baxley. “To be asked to support this ex-mate’s new girlfriend or boyfriend, that is really adding insult to injury.”

Amen! For the record, I have four ex-wives out there in the world somewhere so this story strikes close to my heart (and my wallet). Three of my “ex’s” have remarried and I have no idea where the fourth wingnut is hiding out these days, hopefully in an insane asylum somewhere. I’m glad to see Florida is taking the lead on remedying this abysmal abuse of former male spouses. By maritime law, the Skipper has hereby removed Florida from the “Looney States List” and replaced it with Texas, where lawmakers recently decided that cheerleaders are lewd and lascivious.

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 07:55 AM
Filed Under: • Judges-Courts-Lawyers •
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The Little Dutch Boy And The Dumb Ass

^{John Trever, New Mexico, The Albuquerque Journal}

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 06:22 AM
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • Social-Security •
• Comments (5)

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An Open Letter To Senate Democrats

I just received a copy of this letter sent to the Senate confirmation committee whose Democrat members are experiencing a severe case of “anal retention” over the nomination of John Bolton to be UN Ambassador. Maybe this will provide the Ex-Lax they need ....

Dear Senators, Girlie-Men and Girlie-Girl:

I am very concerned about the nomination of John Bolton and, for the sake of the future of the United Nations, I feel it is my duty to share my misgivings with all of you. You must vote “no” on the John Bolton nomination. Haven’t the criminals at the United Nations suffered enough since they lost the Oil-For-Food income without the United States causing further pain by exposing murderous thugs from all over the world to a “meanie?” We are a compassionate nation and that just wouldn’t be fair, would it? Also, how on earth will the UN peacekeepers be able to continue raping young girls under their protection in the Congo if an American meanie is running amok at the United Nations? That just can’t be allowed in the 21st century! As Americans, we need to be more tolerant of murderous dictators and pedophile peacekeepers.

As for the woman who said that Mr. Bolton pushed her or tripped her or chased her at some hotel during World War I, she must be a very strong woman to have survived such a terrifying ordeal. Was she wearing a blue dress at the time? O.J. Simpson used to run through airports and look what happened to him. I don’t know if I could ever stay in another hotel if something like that happened to me. Did she file suit against Mr. Bolton for sexual harassment? I know I would have.

I know that you think this letter is ridiculous, but I assure you it isn’t half as ridiculous as the way your committee has been behaving over the last few weeks. Is it the goal of your committee to see how much time and taxpayer money that you can get away with wasting on this foolishness? Why not try Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey? In fact, they will be in Hershey, PA, from May 25 - May 30. It may not be quite as entertaining to you, (or to me, for that matter), but it certainly wouldn’t waste as much time or taxpayer money as your shenanigans have been. Just think about it, with the money you would save, each of you could bring underprivileged children from your state with you.

I will be the first to admit that it has been quite entertaining to watch some of you try to stifle your glee while pretending that each new “Meanie-Gate” accusation is a serious matter. Please accept my apology if I am unable to comprehend the magnitude of a “meanie,” but I am usually too distracted by my own hysterical laughter. As for the woman from the hotel, somebody needs to tell her that it’s tough out there in the real world. A little jog through a hotel while being chased by a “meanie” is good exercise. If she is unable to handle a little confrontation, then maybe she needs to go back to the kitchen where she belongs.

Sincerely,
A U.S. Taxpayer

(-- thanks to Renee)

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 06:02 AM
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists • United-Nations •
• Comments (3)

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Let’s have some …

FUN!

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/05/2005 at 02:55 AM
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •
• Comments (2)

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Wednesday - May 04, 2005

Most Ridiculous Item Of he Day

Grreenpeace is being sued for violating environmental laws. Oooooh, the humanity! How could this happen to such a good organization ....?

(now extracting tongue from cheek)

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/04/2005 at 08:24 PM
Filed Under: • Environment •
• Comments (8)

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Now We’re Talking …. Art!

Finally, another BMEWS member submits another work of photographic art. This time we’re talking reall good boom-boom-fire-when-ready stuff. Thank God the guys here have cameras too. Otherwise, we’d be knee-deep in bees ....

Now, tha’s what I’m talking about .... YEEEE-HAW! Kill dem yankee sumbitches, boys ....

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Posted by The Skipper

on 05/04/2005 at 07:58 PM
Filed Under: • Art-Photography •
• Comments (14)

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Hot Date!

OK, I’m ready to bare all (well, almost all). Here is the diary entry of my date with Myles Longue ....

My Date with Myles Longue

It was during my sophomore year at NYU when I was feeling depressed over a poor grade on an exam, that I decided to give my old high-school friend D. a call. Sure enough, the conversation got to men. D. was attending a local college on Long Island, and was dating Jean Paul, a Eurotrash Iranian guy, as it turned out.

See More Below The Fold

Anyway, to cheer me up, D. told me that Jean Paul had a friend visiting New York from L.A. She said to me, “Lisa, I never met the guy, but Jean Paul says he’s gorgeous, and that he has a gorgeous nose.” I hadn’t seen my friend in a while and this sounded like fun, so I agreed to a double date. The plan was to meet at Jean Paul’s apartment and then take it from there.

So I dutifully showed up at Jean Paul’s, and finally got a load of my date for the evening, an expatriate Iranian guy who had been living for some time in France, and then Los Angeles.

Him: “Come heeeyerr Lisa.” My name eez Abdullah, but yoo can call me Ledoux.”

Just to backtrack, Ledoux, probably in his early thirties at the time, had light olive skin, and brassy henna colored hair. He wore a black vinyl jumper belted at the waist with a red shirt underneath, and a red and white bandana tied around his neck.

So I politely took a seat next to him on the couch in the living room. The conversation continued as follows:

Him: “So Lisa, tell me about yourrrself.”

Mind you, as he was talking, he had his back to me, and was checking himself out in the mirror above the couch. So I didn’t bother answering him. D. then mouthed to me “I’m sorry Lisa.” And at that point in the evening, everything just seemed like something out of a comedy routine, in case you’re wondering why I just didn’t pick up and leave.

Around this time, I noticed D. and Jean Paul disappeared into the bedroom. And when Ledoux saw that I was ignoring him, he went in there as well. A couple of minutes later, I decided to go see what was going on. As soon as I entered the bedroom, my hosts left me alone with my date. Mind you, I didn’t feel physically threatened at that point. Once again, Ledoux tried to make some conversation with me. He said something about performing in a band, and tried to play the tape of his performance on the answering machine, which obviously didn’t work. So I was like yeah, whatever, and took a seat on the bed.

Little did I realize, it was a water bed – a VERY swishy one. So swishy in fact, that I lost my balance and ended up on my back.

So then I hear Ledoux, who was standing above me say, as he was rubbing my shoulder:

“Lisa, vood you like a Frrrench massage?”

Then I felt his fingers slowly creeping inside my sweater.

Me: “Uh, I think I would like it better with your fingers on the outside of my sweater.”

Him: “No. Eeet eez betterrr on the eeenside.”

Luckily, I managed to haul myself off the water bed and went back to the living room. Still at this point, the whole thing seemed comical more than anything else. I couldn’t believe this guy was for real. Besides which, I hadn’t seen my friend in a long time. I figured at the least, it would make for a funny story.

So, there I was, sitting on the couch trying to mind my own business when I felt two hands on the side of my head. I looked up to find Ledoux’s crotch about two millimeters from my mouth.

Him: “Lisa…rrrreeeelaxx.”

Me, wriggling out of his grasp: “Uh, so who’s on the Merv Griffin show tonight?” (What can I say? I’m kind of giving away my age here.)

Him: “Vhat eez Merf?”

During this whole time, I had no idea where D. and Jean Paul disappeared to, but they turned up just in time. We all decided to go out for Chinese food in the Village.

It was a cold night in Manhattan, and Ledoux didn’t bother wearing a coat. I guess he just wanted to show off his black vinyl jumper. So there we were walking down Bleecker Street when Ledoux suddenly threw his arms around me.

“Lisa! I am cold! Warrrm me up!”

I was mortified that my college friends might see me with this doofus. Anway, we got to the restaurant, and I was the only one that ordered food. (Heck I was hungry.) It was at this point that my friend D. decided to make polite small talk with Ledoux.

D.: “So Ledoux, what did you used to do in L.A?

Ledoux: “I used to be eeen porrrno moveez.”

D. (totally unfazed): “Tell me something, Ledoux. Do they really do it in those movies? Or does it just look like they do it?”

Ledoux: “No, they don’t do eet…..Keeding. They rrreally do do eet. And I tell you, I vood get sore everrry night from all the exerrrcise.”

D. (still unfazed and politely as ever): So, did you use a special stage name or anything?

Ledoux: “Yes….Myles.”

D.: “Myles what?”

Ledoux: “Longue. And I dyed my hair blonde.”

It was at this point that Jean Paul covered his face with his hands and started shaking his head.

In case you’re wondering why I didn’t just head back to my dorm, I have no idea. I guess I was just afraid of being rude. But anyway, we decided to pick up some liquor and head back to Jean Paul’s place. So we all got back into the car – Jean Paul and D. in front, and me and Ledoux in the back.

We got to one liquor store, and Jean Paul got out to see if it was open. And despite my shaking my head and mouthing the words “don’t leave me,” D. decided to join Jean Paul. So there I was, alone in the back seat of the car with Ledoux, who, for some reason, had an unlit cigarette dangling out of his mouth.

Ledoux beckoning to me: “Lisa, come heeyerrr.”

Naturally, I tried my best to huddle in the opposite direction. But undeterred, Ledoux slowly started leaning towards me, the unlit cigarette still in his mouth. Luckily, Jean Paul, and D. got back just in time. The liquor store was closed. The same thing happened when we stopped at two more liquor stores. I kept mouthing the words, “don’t go” and my friend just didn’t catch on.

Finally, we got back to the apartment. Jean Paul’s brother told Ledoux that he had a phone message. So Ledoux disappeared into the bedroom to make a call, while the rest of us sat on the couch talking. A few minutes, Ledoux emerged from the bedroom wearing nothing but his underwear. He then proceeded to lay down on the floor with his knees bent …and fondle himself.

Strangely, no one seemed to notice it but me. And that was the last straw. So I finally announced that I was tired, and that I was going to head back to my dorm. Now you might be wondering how everyone responded.

D.: “But it’s only one in the morning Lisa.”

Me: “I know. But I’m really tired.”

D.: “Ok. I’ll drive you back.”

It was when D. and I got up to leave that Ledoux finally took one hand off his member, and used it to tug at my long skirt. At this point, I no longer cared, so I just kicked his hand away.

And that’s the story of my date with Myles Longue.

A couple of months go by, and my gay friend Mathew told me he saw a photo of Myles Longue is a gay porn magazine. He even sent me the clipping. The headline read “Myles Longue, Star of Rough Trades.”

GET ME OUT OF HERE ...

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Posted by lisar915

on 05/04/2005 at 07:35 PM
Filed Under: • Personal •
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DISCLAIMER

THE SERVICES AND MATERIALS ON THIS WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED "AS IS" AND THE HOSTS OF THIS SITE EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ANY AND ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, TO THE EXTENT PERMITTED BY LAW INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY, MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, WITH RESPECT TO THE SERVICE OR ANY MATERIALS.

Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong

Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing

Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:

Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

THE INFORMATION AND OTHER CONTENTS OF THIS WEBSITE ARE DESIGNED TO COMPLY WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS WEBSITE SHALL BE GOVERNED BY AND CONSTRUED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND ALL PARTIES IRREVOCABLY SUBMIT TO THE JURISDICTION OF THE AMERICAN COURTS. IF ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE IS CONSTRUED AS BEING CONTRARY TO THE LAWS APPLICABLE IN ANY OTHER COUNTRY, THEN THIS WEBSITE IS NOT INTENDED TO BE ACCESSED BY PERSONS FROM THAT COUNTRY AND ANY PERSONS WHO ARE SUBJECT TO SUCH LAWS SHALL NOT BE ENTITLED TO USE OUR SERVICES UNLESS THEY CAN SATISFY US THAT SUCH USE WOULD BE LAWFUL.

GNU Terry Pratchett

Oh, and here's some kind of visitor flag counter thingy. Hey, all the cool blogs have one, so I should too. The Visitors Online thingy up at the top doesn't count anything, but it looks neat. It had better, since I paid actual money for it.