Thursday - December 23, 2004

Late Breaking News !!

In a special announcement today, the Nobel Committee in Norway announced that they will be awarding Yassir Arafat a SECOND Nobel Peace Prize .... this time for dying. The announcement states that Arafat’s sacrifice will most likely insure better chances for peace in the middle east and the committee commended Arafat for helping to move the peace process along. At this time, we have received no comment from Arafat whose condition remains stable after his death in France earlier this month. The Palestinian Authority released this picture (below) of Arafat, supposedly weeping after receiving the award. No word yet from the CIA as to the authenticity of the photo. Ongoing ....

As a special service to our readers, BMEWS would like to commemorate this occasion with this very special picture. Feel free to mount it where it will be most useful and use it as you wish, in honor of the Cockroach Of Palestine.

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 04:07 PM   
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Political Correctness Goes Mad

In Hampton, NH the school had a “holiday dance” and all the children were invited to dress up. One young lad was sent home because his costume was “politically incorrect” according to the principal. Was the boy dressed as Jesus? Or Joseph? No, he was in a Santa Claus costume. It’s funny, but I don’t recall any mention of Santa in the Bible. Can someone help me with this. I’ll pay $1,000,000 to the first person who finds a direct reference to Santa Claus in the Bible.

This has gone way too far. What next? Will the schools and government be forced to chop down all evergreen trees within a mile of their buildings because it might be a “promotion of religion” to have anything resembling a Christmas tree around. Then what? Shall we slaughter all reindeer to remove any temptation to perceive them as Christmas “promotion”? And don’t forget the elves, for God’s sake. Oops, sorry about the reference to deity there. Back to the elves .... should we ban “Lord Of The Rings” because of the thousands of “elves” in the movie”? And gift-giving? Maybe we should all stay home, give no gifts and endure winter in misery .... I’m sure the ACLU would be happy with that.

Someone please tell me where this bullshit ends!!!

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 03:23 PM   
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BMEWS Hits 200k

While no one was looking this blog just reached a milestone. At 2:31pm this afternoon, we had our 200,000th visitor. It only took eleven months. I know who it was but I ain’t tellin’. Nope. Nosiree.

I remember back in the spring Vilmar and I had a $5 bet as to when we would reach 100,000 visitors. I said April and Vilmar bet on September. The bet got hosed up because El Supremo fat-fingered his reply to one of my e-mails and .... I’ll let him tell you about it one day if you can convince him to confess. I still have the $5 bill he sent me, framed and on the wall .... just fer grins.

Blogging may be light over the next few days as El Supremo and yours truly enjoy Christmas a little. I have a new Jeep Grand Cherokee to play with and our Benevolent Dictator has unspecified plans .... something involving the ACLU and dynamite, or something to that effect (he was mumbling in anger).

Anyway, next Monday we will start accepting nominations for the First Annual Barking Moonbat Hall Of Fame. I will post the categories and await your decisions as to who should be in the final voting for enshrinement in the Hall Of Shame (as we’re calling it here).

Update: FYI, this is also our 2760th post. In 354 days. Thats an average of 7.8 posts per day, every day since we started this madness on January 14, 2004. We have not missed a day yet. Vilmar and I both enjoy researching and writing this shit and we thank you all for you patience in reading the shit we write. You gotta admit though .... it’s good shit.

Have a Merry Christmas, All! Cheers!

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 02:33 PM   
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OUCH!!!!!

Don’t mess with Southern gals, I guess!

But what I want to know is how can you NOT know someone just shoved some tongs (TONGS!!!) up your ass?  Or as they say in the article:

“a metal object protruding from his body.”

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 01:05 PM   
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Oh, The Weather Outside Is Frightful ….

Last year this time, I was working in Carmel, Indiana just north of Indianapolis. In the spring I made a decision: the Colts and the Indy-500 just weren’t worth the dismal snow and weather in the midwest in winter. Having arrived at this momentous decision, I carted my ass back down south. None too soon, it seems ....

EVANSVILLE, Ind. - Frigid temperatures, blasting wind and more snow than some places normally see in a year left parts of the Midwest and South paralyzed Thursday, and transformed a section of highway in southern Indiana into a parking lot.

The winter storm dumped double-digits of snow from western Pennsylvania to Wyoming, the Texas Panhandle to the Great Lakes, disrupting pre-Christmas travel. Northern Mississippi motorists were warned Thursday to stay off highways iced up from freezing rain.

Southern Indiana barely had time to catch its frosty breath after a snowstorm Wednesday morning when a second, heavier gust pummeled the region, shutting down Interstate 64 eastbound from Evansville to the Illinois State line.

So now, here I sit just outside Huntsville, Alabama with no snow on the ground in a peaceful winter. To all my friends in Indiana, Illinois and Ohio I extend my sympathies and warmest regards. Mwah-hah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha .....

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 08:56 AM   
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Important Announcement

From The Desk Of: Santa Claus
Date: December 23, 2004
Subject: Route Changes

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re- negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. Ford and Chevy logos with lights that race through the letters and a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids look the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree, if you know what I mean.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”; Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Years…

(-- thanks to Ryan A.)

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 07:56 AM   
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Did You Know ?

Saint Nicholas of Myra, the original Santa Claus, was the patron saint of children, thieves and pawnbrokers.

Based on previous surveys, 17 percent of you will embarrass yourselves in some way at your office Christmas party.

A Mongolian wild ass can run 8 mph faster than a reindeer.

It’s Donder, not Donner.

Christmas pudding should be stirred from east to west.

56 percent of Americans sing holiday carols to their pets.

53 percent of Americans plan to “re-gift” this year.

1 in 3 men will wait until Christmas Eve to finish their shopping.

1 in 6 men would like to get rid of all the “gift-giving nonsense.”

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

On Christmas Eve in 2001, the Bethlehem Hotel had 208 of its 210 rooms free.

It’s “God rest ye merry, gentlemen,” not “God rest ye, merry gentlemen.”

There are 1.76 billion candy canes produced every year.

Kris Kringel, a man in his 40s, lives in North Pole, Alaska, and delivers pizzas for a living. He drives a 1984 Ford Tempo.

Based on a 1999 estimated population count of North America and Europe, on Christmas Eve of that year Santa Claus had to visit 42,466,666 homes in a 12-hour period—that’s 983 homes per second.

(-- thanks to Ryan A.)

Posted by The Skipper     on 12/23/2004 at 07:47 AM   
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Waiver Letter For Santa

Given the propensity of lawsuits in all matters frivolous, it may be time kids and parents begin to protect themselves from something similar happening to them by Santa.  After all, the guy is basically lazy (works one day a year) and he’s fat.  What’s to stop him from engaging a bottom feeding scum sucker (lawyer) to file a reverse class action lawsuit against billions of people.  Hell, if he got one dollar from everyone we’d never see the fat fuck again.  He’d be on a beach in Fiji sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them while native girls gave him 24 hour a day lap dances.

So, courtesy of this link, I bring you a waiver letter your kids should put next to the cookies and carrots.

By signing the waiver, Santa Claus agrees not to sue cookie bakers on the basis of:

1. Failure to provide nutrition information and a list of ingredients (the “Grandma’s secret recipe” clause);

2. Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because cookies taste “yummy” and are provided at no cost;

3. Failure to advise that walking, biking, and jogging will shed pounds, but riding around on a reindeer-powered sleigh will not;

4. Failure to warn that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments (plastic reindeer, snowmen, etc.) and other holiday decorations may constitute manipulative marketing to lure Santa into over-consumption.

5. Failure to offer “healthier” cookie alternatives (e.g., tofu bars or carrot sticks);

6. Failure to counsel that cookies may be habit-forming and/or irresistible; and

7. Failure to notify that eating too many cookies may lead to even greater levels of obesity for St. Nick (the “Sanity Clause").

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 07:04 AM   
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World Changes Right Before Our Eyes

Google will now provide access to the books at several major university libraries.

Just one of them, according to Suzanne Fileds, Michigan’s,

contains 7 million volumes, which would fill a bookshelf 132 miles long.

Personally I think this is a great idea.  Imagine being able to do research on material available thousands of miles away and never having to change out of your pajamas!

But there are detractors:

“The formerly stable system - the axis with writer at one end, editor, publisher, and bookseller in the middle, and reader at the other end - is slowly being bent into a pretzel. What the writer writes, how he writes and gets edited, printed, and sold, and then read - all of the old assumptions are under siege.”

Here’s something else to think about regarding the fundamental way this will change how we read and what we read:

How we read determines how we see ourselves in relation to the universe. When the scrolls of illuminated manuscripts painstakingly copied by the monks in the Middle Ages were updated to a flattened page and bound together in a black-and-white book, our perceptions changed profoundly. With historical hindsight we see how the centers of power of church and court were radically changed as the reading audience expanded independently, no longer needing mediators of religion and royalty.

What say you?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:56 AM   
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The Environment and Michael Crichton

Check out George Will’s article about Michael Crichton’s new book, “State of Fear.”

In a nutshell:

Crichton’s subject is today’s fear that global warming will cause catastrophic climate change, a belief now so conventional that it seems to require no supporting data. Crichton’s subject is also how conventional wisdom is manufactured in a credulous and media-drenched society.

And yes, it sounds like the eco-freaks get their clocks cleaned.  Excuse me while I go log into my library system and reserve the book.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:54 AM   
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Bad Semester?  Better Grades!!!

Mike Adams once again skewers the political correctness going on in may colleges today.

Check it out for example after example of attempts by students to demand higher grades because they’ve “had a bad semester.”

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:46 AM   
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Parachutes

The other day I posted about a college student getting in trouble for putting a parachute on a hamster. 

We’ve had parachutes for people for about 100 (or more?) years.  Since then, we’ve got them for dogs.  We’ve got them for tanks.

Well, if you own a small plane and it starts to nosedive on you, pull the ripcord, baby!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:29 AM   
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If The ACLU Could Control Christmas

POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS - Bah Hum Bug

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:23 AM   
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Support This Site!

Thanks to Macker we have this link to share with you if you hate the ACLU as much as we do.

It supports a letter writing campaign to your representative demanding the ACLU stop being reimbursed with taxpayer monies for their legal expenses whenever they mount these stupid challenges they have a habit of doing.

I’ve no problem with them collecting if the situation truly warrants it but they are acting like the proverbail swine at the trough---they eat and eat and eat because we keep feeding it.

As soon as this is stopped, so will all these frivolous lawsuits they file.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 12/23/2004 at 06:22 AM   
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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