Saturday - November 27, 2004

L’il Bits

Piss Off!

You’ve heard the expression, “go piss up a rope” right?

Well, in Sumatra people decided to go piss up a bridge. And for that the structure is now considered unstable because they seem to have chosen this one pillar to piss on.

The French Stink!!

And it’s no wonder considering that one of their cheeses is the smelliest in the world.

The Thanks They Get

A couple of days ago I posted where these swimmers were herded into a circle and saved from sharks by some dolphins.

Nice story, huh?

Well, it turns out some poachers went out and killed a couple of those dolphins.

Fine thanks for a good deed.  Indeed.

Wanna “whack” somebody?

Do it with a tree.  Well, at least, bits of that tree.

Grind up the bits, put it into spicy food and “VOILA!” Instant dead body.  And pathologists aren’t quite up to snuff on this method so you just might get away with it.

Your gig may be up though when investigators find you had to import the tree from India first.  So....time to take a vacation to India!!!!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/27/2004 at 07:18 AM   
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   Friday - November 26, 2004

Secretary Of War On Leave

I am going to be out of touch for the next week or so. I’m taking a little time off for some much-needed rest and recuperation down on the Gulf Coast. I hate to leave Vilmar with the blog while he is feeling down and out but I think he can survive. I may check in occasionally on my laptop but for the most part I will just be stirring margaritas and indulging in seafood.

I’ve added a new gallery to our photo collection for members to submit their photoshopped works of art. That should be something we could have lots of fun with. Send me your “slightly altered” pictures for inclusion in the gallery.

For now, everyone enjoy the weekend and next week. I’ll be back on December 4th. Until then, stay safe, stay sane and try not to piss our Benevolent Dictator off too terribly much. Hehehehe ....

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/26/2004 at 12:18 PM   
Filed Under: • Personal •  
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A Conundrum

Maybe the ladies can help me understand what is going on here:

1.  Why does it take a woman almost 1 to 2 hours to get ready for damned near anything---work, vacation, movies, restaurant, grocery shopping, etc. all the while driving her husband crazy in the process as he waits YET on a day like today they can be hear the alarm, smack it down, get out of bed, get dressed and be out of the driveway within 10 minutes?

2.  Why does this same woman then arrive at a parking lot and spend 15 mintutes driving around looking for a close spot so she does not have to walk so far to get inside YET can spend HOURS and HOURS walking around a mall?

Inquiring man-minds want to know.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 11:24 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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What If The ACLU Existed 2004 Years Ago?

"Jesus and the Elves”

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child.  And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.  And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, “I bring you tidings of great joy.  Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”

“There’s a problem with the angel,” said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by.  As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

“And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene,” he said sadly.  “That’s a no-no, too.” Joseph had a bright idea.  “What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?” he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

“That would definitely help,” said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. “Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too,” he said.  “No court can resist that.”

Mary asked, “What does my son’s birth have to do with snowmen?” “Snowpersons,” cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.  Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.  Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.  “Artistic license,” he said.  “I’ve got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter,” he quipped.  “We’re not haggard or homeless.  The inn was just full,” said Mary. 

“Whatever,” said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely.  One said she objected to Jesus’ birth “because it privileged motherhood.” The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.  “I’m not a single mother,” Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant’s unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

“I’d hold off on the reindeer,” the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance.  He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are “penned environments” where animals are incarcerated against their will.  He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring “Free the Bethlehem 2” began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox.  Someone said the halo on Jesus’ head was elitist.  Mary was exasperated.  “And what about you, old mother?” she said sharply to an elderly woman.  “Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?”

“None of the above,” said the woman, “I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here.” Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.  The crowd gasped, “They’re all male!” And “Not very multicultural!” “Balthasar here is black,” said one of the Magi.  “Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?” someone shouted.  A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, “Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world.” At last, a sane person, Mary thought.  She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.  The woman spoke again:  “There is one thing, though.  Religious holidays are important, but can’t we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about ‘Gloria in excelsis Deo,’ why not just ‘Season’s Greetings’?”

Mary said, “You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, ‘Hello, it’s winter’?” “That’s harsh, Mary,” said the woman. “Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn’t push the religion thing too far.  Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday.  That’s not chopped liver.”

“Let me get back to you,” Mary said.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 07:45 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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ACLU in the News

Funny how threads work but this morning the ACLU is it at BMEWS.

I had not intended for it to be so, but so be it to be so.  (sorry, could not help myself.  I think it is the ibuprofen kicking in.)

Recently the Pentagon knuckled to the ACLU regarding Boy Scouts.  This has a lot of people pissed off (to include my Democratic Senator, Bill Nelson)

Matthew Holmes writes a great editorial decrying the seeming lack of action by the President, our Congressmen and others in allowing this to happen.  He even makes the link between the ACLU and trial lawyers implying if it were not for the ACLU trial lawyers would be collecting unemployment.

Ultimately, he wants the ACLU stopped.

Along those lines we have an effort by Craig McCarthy of CourtZero.org, to get the ACLU off the taxpayer dole.  As it stands right now the ACLU can collect lawyer’s fees whenever it takes someone to court.  And taxpayers pay those fees.

His site is dedicated to stemming judicial activism and I think he is right on the mark with this.  Under normal circumstances lawyers get paid by the people who hire them.  So if I want to take a neighbor to court and get a lawyer, I pay the lawyer, not the people in my neighborhood.

Same thing applies here.

Check out the story, click on the link and sign the petition.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 07:43 AM   
Filed Under: • Democrats-Liberals-Moonbat Leftists •  
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CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSIES & VARIOUS SOLUTIONS

CONTROVERSY:  Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:  Live tree, planted after use
MALE:  Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:  Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:  Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY:  Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:  Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:  Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:  Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:  Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY:  Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:  Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:  Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:  Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:  Hell’s Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY:  Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:  Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:  Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:  Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY:  More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY:  Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
YUPPIE:  Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE:  Anytime, just so it doesn’t interfere with football
FEMALE:  Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:  Doesn’t matter, everyone’s peeked anyway

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 07:14 AM   
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‘Tis The Season

I’ll bet many of you will be out shopping for bargains today, eh?

Tell us what you find to be particularly good deals you scarfed up on on.

Me, (assuming I feel a bit better) will go to Lowe’s to pick up this cordless drill marked at half price.  I also have my eyes on a 17” LCD monitor for $190 but..........am not feeling all that generous to myself so might pass it up.

Some really great stuff out there and lots of it almost free what with rebate actions, etc.  Speaking of rebates, many people tell me they hate them but I have never had a problem collecting (of course, I keep copies of everything I send them ---- just in case!)

Anyway, let us know what bargains you’ve snapped up.

Also, since this is now “officially” the beginning of the Christmas Season (if you ever hear me refer to it as the “holiday season” send me a bitch slap via email, will you?  Thanks!) I thought I’d begin a little “tradition” of providing you with something “Christmas-y” every day.  It will be all tongue-in-cheek, or humorous, or rude or crude or socially unacceptable.  But then, what else do you expect from us?

I am sure some of you have seen some of them.  But not all of you have seen all of them.

Hope you like.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 07:04 AM   
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Benevolent Dictator Stricken Ill

I suspect many of you will not be at work today so with readership down things will be a bit slow today at BMEWS.

In a way that is good because I feel like death warmed over.  Monday I started with a scratchy throat.  Tuesday it worsened.  Wednesday it was worse still.  Comfortable sleep was not possible.  Yesterday I awoke to a stuffy head and REALLY sore throat which, for some bizarre reason disappeared within an hour! 

Today I feel like my body has been pummeled by a really pissed off Mike Tyson.

So you’ll have to bear with me when I go light on the postings today.

Take the opportunity to use the comments feature to vent on whatever you want to vent about.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 06:58 AM   
Filed Under: • Personal •  
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Florida Will Stay Divided

Right now Florida has one republican senator (Martinez) and one democratic senator (Nelson.) In two years Nelson comes up for re-election.  State republican party members are hoping for his loss in 2006.

But Nelson has been in the news twice in the past week and based on what he’s done, I will say right now he will win re-election by a large margin.

They guy is no dummy.

Just recently he introduced a measure:

“urging the Defense Department to continue its traditional support of the Boy Scouts.”

If that’s not strong enough he says he’ll:

“amend the Defense Department’s spending authorization bill to provide support for the Scouts.”

He’s also supported a bill to allow Floridians to deduct sales taxes on their federal income tax returns.

I’d say he’s cementing his position and will be difficult to defeat.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 06:54 AM   
Filed Under: • Politics •  
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Worthless UN

The MSM would have you believe that American soldiers are sick perverted freaks because they had Iraqi prisoners wear women’s panties on their heads.

But for some reason when there is an organization whose people engage in sexual abuse to include pedophilia, prostitution and rape in the name of “peacekeeping” that same mainstream media is strangely quiet.  Yep!  You guessed it!  They are UN peacekeepers!

Sure, you’ll hear the occasional 5 second news announcement but no saturation of the networks like Abu Ghraib.

Why can’t I shake this feeling that the MSM is shielding these scumbags?  Some would argue that since these UN assholes are not US soldiers it is not so “newsworthy” within the US but there is a large fallacy in this train of thought simply because the Abu Ghraib story was trumpeted as a “great abuse” by WORLDWIDE media for weeks and weeks.

This selfsame media does not utter as much as a peep when TRUE abuses take place.

Why is it that so many want to protect this worthless piece of shit organization?  First we have resolution after resolution ignored (emasculating the agency.) Then we have atrocities taking place all over the world and the UN, instead of trying to stop them, makes unilateral decisions that those areas are “too dangerous” so they pull their people out.  Then their oversight and inspection teams take forever to detect instances of violations related to chemical, nuclear and biological weapons coupled with those teams’ infiltration by Iraqi agents allowing those infiltrators to determine where the team was headed next (all the while the “team” blissfully unaware of what was going on.)

Oh, and let’s not forget the oil-for-food scandal.

And now we have all these instances of sexual abuse by these UN peacekeepers.

How can we EVER respect such worthless fucks?

So explain to me why we need to be in the UN?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/26/2004 at 06:51 AM   
Filed Under: • United-Nations •  
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   Thursday - November 25, 2004

Final Thanksgiving Thoughts

A Thanskgiving List To End All Thanksgiving Lists

• Saddam Hussein is in jail.
• John Kerry is not in the White House.
• George W. Bush is in the White House for four more years.
• Yasser Arafat is in the grave.
• Tom Daschle is not in Congress anymore.
• The insurgents in Fallujah are dead.
• The Marines in Fallujah are alive.
• Afghanistan had its first democratic elections ever.
• Kofi Annen is revealed for the ignorant, lying crook he really is.
• France’s military gets its ass whupped by Ivory Coast.
• The US Military is still the baddest bunch of warriors on the planet.
• Muslims in Netherlands are told to just go back where they came from.
• Canada finally allows Fox News to broadcast in the Great White North.
• The Boston Red Sox win the World Series.
• Republicans control both houses of Congress and White House.
• Michael Moore and George Soros failed and proved to be total wankers.
• Bert Rutan wins X-Prize by building and launching first commercial spacecraft.
• “Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King” wins eleven Academy Awards.
• “Passion Of The Christ” is released to mass acclaim and ticket sales worldwide.
• Dan Rather makes complete ass of himself, is forced to retire.

Feel free to add to the list. This has been a good year. Revel in it!

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/25/2004 at 06:06 PM   
Filed Under: • Miscellaneous •  
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Plop-Plop-Fizz-Fizz

Oh, what a relief it is .... if you remember what ad that jingle is from, you’re way too damned old (like me). If you’re not that old, I have only two words for you: “Speedy Alka-Seltzer”. How soon they forget. Right now I feel positively decadent. I had a 24-pound turkey in the oven all last night, fully stuffed with cornbread dressing and plenty of giblets, an additional six pounds of cornbread dressing with giblet gravy, plus five pounds of corn-on-the-cob, a massive stockpile of dinner rolls, a gallon of fresh cranberrys (whole berry, homemade), a large bowl of candied yams and three gallons of ice cold sweet tea. There’s also a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream and a fresh homemade apple pie. Did I mention that I like to cook?

My sons had to cancel their travel plans to come visit so I unexpectedly wound up with all this to myself. Me, 500,000 calories and two football games. Decadent, I tells ya. Positively decadent. I started eating at 9:00 this morning. Here is the cycle: (1) Stuff face until point of ‘splosion, (2) sleep fpr an hour or two, (3) watch football, (4) repeat until bathroom scales die a horrible death.

And I haven’t even touched the ice cream and apple pie yet .... I’m gonna keep eating until I look like Michael Moore then I’m gonna kidnap him and substitute myself for him in Hollywood .. the assholes out there won’t know what hit ‘em. Bwah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha ....

Anyhow, the blog software has now been upgraded to Expression Engine 1.2. The new Gallery feature has been added and I have tested the functionality with pics from my visit to Indianapolis Motor Speedway last year. We need to convince our Benevolent Dictator to share his terabytes of pictures from his worldly travels. Help me pressure him to come clean. Leave your encouragement in the comments. We’re also accepting picture gallerys from members too so if you have pictures you want to share with all of us, send them to me. We would especially like to receive pics from any of our troops overseas .. wherever they may be. I just hope they are not eating like me today or else our enemies will have big fat targets to shoot at. Stay lean and mean, troops! I’ll save some of the “vittles” for when you come home. Until then, stay safe and pop a cap in a raghead’s ass fer me!

Update I: I just added a new photo gallery from pictures Vilmar sent me on CD of President Bush’s campaign visit in October to Vilmar’s home town in Florida. Way cool stuff.

Update II: Several people asked me to take our pictures of dead terrorists and collect them into a Gallery. I have done so. If you have any more pictures of dead or captured ragheads, forward them to me for inclusion.

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/25/2004 at 04:47 PM   
Filed Under: • Military • Personal •  
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Holiday Weirdness

Pickled Pussy?

Real Dutch Boobies On-Line. No Pics Yet. Promises, Promises.

Monkeys stop flinging shit at zoo visitors, decide to start cussing out stoopid humans instead.

This French union had rather speak French than have a job. Fuckez-Vous.

Today’s Darwin Award candidate courtesy of Lithuania.

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/25/2004 at 12:24 PM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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Sign This Before You Eat!

In another Thanksgiving story, the Center For Consumer Freedom has released their official “Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Agreement”.

“Dinner hosts should be able to serve that second helping of turkey and stuffing and offer a bigger slice of pumpkin pie without the fear of being sued,” said Center for Consumer Freedom senior analyst Dan Mindus. “With this signed form, they can keep the trial lawyers and food police out in the cold. That’s something we can all be thankful about on this holiday.”

Posted by The Skipper     on 11/25/2004 at 07:12 AM   
Filed Under: • Judges-Courts-Lawyers •  
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Not that very many people ever read this far down, but this blog was the creation of Allan Kelly and his friend Vilmar. Vilmar moved on to his own blog some time ago, and Allan ran this place alone until his sudden and unexpected death partway through 2006. We all miss him. A lot. Even though he is gone this site will always still be more than a little bit his. We who are left to carry on the BMEWS tradition owe him a great debt of gratitude, and we hope to be able to pay that back by following his last advice to us all:

1. Keep a firm grasp of Right and Wrong
2. Stay involved with government on every level and don't let those bastards get away with a thing
3. Use every legal means to defend yourself in the event of real internal trouble, and, most importantly:
4. Keep talking to each other, whether here or elsewhere

It's been a long strange trip without you Skipper, but thanks for pointing us in the right direction and giving us a swift kick in the behind to get us going. Keep lookin' down on us, will ya? Thanks.

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