Monday - November 29, 2004

‘Tis the Season

It never ceases to amaze me that the closer we get to Christmas, the nastier people get to one another.

Can’t help but wonder again why it is that people will go through these lengths to avoid a longer walk to the mall yet easily spend hours doing exactly that--walking--inside the mall.

The homogenization of the planet is taking place whether we like it or not.  Pure races are harder and harder to find.  Blacks are not Black.  Whites are not White.  Hispanics are not Hispanic.  Soon those little boxes you check off on many federal forms will have to be modified especially since so many people now are 25% Hispanic, 25% Native American, 25% English, 12.5% German and 12.5% Black.  (well, you know what I mean!)

Along those lines we will also see a homogenization of religion. Especially around Christmas.  It’s starting right now with “"Merry Chrismukkah!” cards! 

YIKES!!!!!

As a farce I remember that last year Glenn Beck offered Happy RamaHanuKwanzMas” t-shirts as a gag.  “Santa” is a “brown” man wearing sandals and sporting a fez-type hat, carrying a menorah, and lugging a bag of toys.  Santa is being politically correct and covering all his bases. 

Hell, I bought one.  It’s hilarious.  This year Glenn has a whole line of Christmas gear related to that.

But I wonder if he realized he’s responsible for this new movement?  How long before Hallmark picks it up?

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/29/2004 at 07:06 AM   
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Tex-Mex Christmas

(best read out loud with a Cheech and Chong accent)

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,

Not a creature was stirring—Caramba!  Que pasa?

Los ninos were tucked away in their camas,

Some in long underwear, some in pyjamas,

While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado

In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado

To bring all children, both buenos and malos,

A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arose such a grito

That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.

I ran to the window and looked out afuera,

And who in the world do you think that it era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero

Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.

And pulling his sleigh instead of venados

Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre

Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:

“Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,

Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!”

Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho

He flew to the top of our very own techo.

With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,

He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,

Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,

With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,

He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --

For none of the ninos had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,

He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.

And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,

Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/29/2004 at 07:01 AM   
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Babs on Condi

Seems like poor Babs is upset that Condi Rice is being nominated for Secretary of State.  She criticizes the administration for selecting people who agree with the President whereas he should be putting people in place that offer criticism and open dialogue.

I don’t know about you but the last thing I would want in a crisis is a bunch of Cabinet Secretaries ideologically opposed to me.

I wonder where this stupid bitch was when Madeleine Not-So-Bright or Ron Brown were on Clinton’s cabinet?  I do not recall her criticizing him for appointing ass-lickers and yes-men to his cabinet.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/29/2004 at 06:59 AM   
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Coming soon….to the US

Well, it finally happened.  An entire country has banned smoking AND the sale of cigarettes and tobacco products.

Yep, tiny Bhutan, known as “Shangrila” to many, has made it illegal and also slapped HUGE fines on those caught breaking the law.

How long before Californicators decide they want to emulate this action?  Will we then call the state Bhutafornia?  Or Californhutan?

(hat tip to Steel)

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/29/2004 at 06:57 AM   
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   Sunday - November 28, 2004

The Spirit Of Christmas Future

CHICAGO (Reuters) - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, “Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus’ organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children’s rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.”

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads, in part:

You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I’m telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you’re awake,
He knows when you’ve been bad or good,
So be good for goodness’ sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus’ organization, “clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?”

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, “We believe a large number of parents, ministers, and teachers are involved in this business, and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence.” In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, “our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.”

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, “The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a for of “mind control” or a violation of the “civil rights of children.”

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country with which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, “I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis.”

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus’ Christmas travels this year.

Posted by Ronald Reagan's Ghost     on 11/28/2004 at 09:46 AM   
Filed Under: • Judges-Courts-Lawyers •  
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Your Turn

Given that posting will be minimal today, let’s try something different.

Using the comments, tell us 5 physical/material things you want to do before you leave this earth.  I say “physical/material” to differentiate from those things we all want:  good health, long life, grandkids, successful children, etc.

Here are mine (in no particular order) fro today.  Tomorrow this list might change!!

---travel to space

---learn to fly a plane

---buy a split window coupe corvette

---walk the Appalachian Trail

---cruise around the world on either a tramp steamer or freighter

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 08:35 AM   
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B.D. Update

I am feeling a little better today.  Got another 10 hours’ sleep---VERY unusual for me.  But I guess my body is trying to tell me something.

Thanks to all who wrote.  The throat is a bit better but the head still feels like it’s about to pop with pressure.  So I will be taking it easy again today and hope to return to something approaching normalcy tomorrow.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 08:30 AM   
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A Tasty Christmas Recipe

I decided to post this one early in case any of you decide to go hunting for the ingredients.

“WHOLE ROASTED REINDEER WITH CHRISTMAS ELF STUFFING”

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining.

The list of ingredients is as follows:

1.  1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a tux; ha, ha) and head mounted (if you so desire.)
2.  6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable weight.
3.  8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
4.  8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
5.  8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
6.  1 gallon vodka to numb the elves before you peel them and dice them.
7.  32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
8.  3 gallons chicken stock.
9.  salt, pepper, to taste.
10.  Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
11.  3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

A. Saute’ the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some olive oil, until tender. Set aside.
B. Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned.
C. Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock, season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic.
D. Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut.

As for roasting the whole reindeer----it is usually difficult to find to an oven large enough to do the job. So you will have to be creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a neighbor kid’s wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local grouch’s garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be perfectly done.

This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively inclined diners.

P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long memories for such little beasties and they won’t fall for the vodka trick twice in two years.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 07:55 AM   
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The Tip

In a continuing series of often inappropriate Christmas humor, I give you this:

Ernie the mailman was walking his mail route during the Christmas season. Often, during this time, postal patrons will leave a mailman a monetary tip in an envelope. Ernie came upon one of these envelopes at the Johnson residence and greedily opened it. There wasn’t any money, but instead, there was an invitation.  It read, “Mailman, please knock on my door!”

Puzzled, Ernie felt he had nothing to lose, so he knocked.

Mrs. Johnson answered the door in a stunning black nightgown and said, “Why come in, I’ve made you a great lunch.”

Ernie looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was looking, and walked in. He was led to a table in the dining room where a sumptuous feast sat in his honor. He sat and ate.

When finished, Mrs. Johnson stood and dropped one of her straps from the nightie and cooed, “Now it’s time for dessert...”

She took Ernie by the hand and lead him to the upstairs bedroom where she made passionate love to him. Once through, she climbed out of bed, walked over to her purse where she produced a one dollar bill, handed it to Ernie and said, “Merry Christmas!” Confused, he looked and her and asked, “Why the dollar after treating me to a great lunch and a toss in the hay?”

Mrs. Johnson replied, “Last night, Mr. Johnson and I were talking and I asked what we should give you for Christmas and he said, “Fuck him! Give him a dollar.”

“By the way, lunch was my idea!”

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 07:53 AM   
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News In and Around Iraq

This is the kind of stuff you read about in history books (not the ones in school, mind you.  REAL history books.)

A grenade is lobbed into a room. A Marine throws himself on top of that grenade to save the lives of his buddies.

“Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).

Zarqawi must really be pissed off right about now.

Our soldiers have captured HUGE amounts of munitions in Fallujah.  In houses, in graveyards, in Mosques.  Tons and tons of rifles, ammo, mortars, bombs, RPGs, etc.  They’ve found “cookbooks” for how to make nerve agents.  They’ve found files on people who have been tortured and executed.

I’d say our boys are doing a great job!

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 07:49 AM   
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We Must Be Doing Something Right

Our military’s brilliant tactics and overwhelming firepower is finally beginning to piss off Al Zarqawi enough such that he is now reportedly sending out appeals for more volunteers.  Guess our 40 to 1 kill ratio is wearing him down.

“Over the last few days, Al Zarqawi supporters have appealed for help from Al Qaida and related groups. The Internet has also reflected the growing concern that Islamic insurgents would be routed in Iraq. A message posted on an Islamic website appealed for help from Islamic insurgents in Afghanistan, Chechnya, Pakistan and the Palestinian Authority.”

As if that were not bad enough, who does he blame?  The clerics!  What a hoot!  He says:

“You have let us down in the darkest circumstances and handed us over to the enemy. You have stopped supporting the holy warriors. Hundreds of thousands of the nation’s sons are being slaughtered at the hands of the infidels because of your silence.”

Did you catch that?  Hundreds of thousands?  What fantasy world does this fucktard live on?  If we had killed hundreds of thousands he’d have been dead already.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/28/2004 at 07:33 AM   
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   Saturday - November 27, 2004

Status

Sorry, folks, but I still feel like death warmed over so the posting may be light today.  Got 10 hours sleep last night (first time I can remember doing that in years and years.)

But it is calling my name again and I have to go rest.

I’ll post more later today if I feel better.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/27/2004 at 07:24 AM   
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Christmas on the Bayou

With Allan, our Minister Of War, somewhere on the bayou drinking margaritas and eating seafood, this is absolutely appropriate.

12 Days of Christmas on the Bayou

Day - 1 Dear Boudreaux, Tanks for da bird in da Pear tree.  I fixed it las’ night wit dirty rice. I doan tink da pear tree will grow in the swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

Day - 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mix them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.

Day - 3 Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish. I’m tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of those prissy French chickens ta Marie Trahan over at Grand Bayou and fed the tird one ta ma dog, Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day - 4 Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I told you no more friggin’ birds. Deez four, what you call them *calling birds* were so noisy you could hear dem all da way ta Napoleonville. I used dere necks for ma crab traps, and fed da rest of dem ta dem dere ‘gators.

Day - 5 Dear Boudreaux, You finally sent something useful.  I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux an’ got enuf money ta fix da shaft on my shrimp boat and buy a round for da boys at da Raisin’ Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!

Day - 6 Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you turkey!  Poor egg suckin’ Phideaux is scared ta death at dem six geeeses. He tried ta eat dems eggs and dey peck da heck out ah his snout. They good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day.

Day - 7 Dear Boudreaux, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill you.  The merde from all dem birds is stinkin’ up his mailboat.  He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good.  I let those seven swans loose to swim on da bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem outta da water.  Talk at you tomorrow.

Day - 8 Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem ta get ta work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn’t in dair contract.  Dey prob’ly think they too good ta skin dem nutrias I caught las night.

Day - 9 Dear Boudreaux, What you tryin’ to do Huh? Thibeau had ta borrow the Lutcher ferry ta carry them jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. Soons dey gots here they wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “WellLa Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin.” Mon Dieu, Emile. What
I’m gonna feed all dese bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows ate ma turnip greens.

Day - 10 Dear Boudreaux, You got ta be outta your mind! If da mailman don’t kill you, I will for sure. Today he delivered 10 ‘alf nakid floozies from Bourbon Street. They said they be “Ladies Dancin” but they doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. They almost left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by ma out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and go get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enuf for dose hoity toity lord’s royal behind.

Day - 11 Dear Boudreaux, Where Y’at. You 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fix stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we’re having a fais-do-do. The new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and he’s having a good time dancing with the floozies. The old mailman jumped off of the Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, tickin’ package in the mail, don’t open it.

Day - 12 Dear Boudreaux, I’m sorry to tell you but I am not your true Love no more. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night planning with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman’s club on the bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be waiters and valet park de boats. Since the maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollars next year.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/27/2004 at 07:23 AM   
Filed Under: • Humor •  
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Holiday Humor

What Ballet was named after being performed with tights that were too tight?
The Nutcracker!

What would the same ballet be named if the tights were too baggy?
The buttcracker!

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

Posted by Ranting Right Wing Howler     on 11/27/2004 at 07:22 AM   
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