Military Life Explained

For those of you who have never had the extreme pleasure of serving in the Armed Forces, we pity you poor maggots. You have never had a chance to experience the excitement, thrill and utmost satisfaction of military life. Yes, serving in Uncle Sam's forces is a once-in-a-lifetime experience that anyone can enjoy. It is a veritable paradise with your every need being taken care of and being waited on hand and foot every hour of the day by a loving and caring E-6 or O-6. Who could ask for anything more? Why, they even pay you LOTS of money to enjoy the "adventure". What more could you ask for? Sign up, today. Be an Army Of One, See The World, Fly High ....

(the previous bullshit message was brought to you by your local recruiter - who is a lying REMF)

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Now, let's tell it like it is, troops. Pay attention. This is what it is really like ..............
(-- Thanks to Steve C. who should've known better)

The Stages Of A SFOR/KFOR/IFOR Deployment Cycle

STBY - (pronounced 'stubby') Sucks to be you! - You are at the top of your game. The world is your oyster and nothing can screw it up. "They", on the other hand, are getting deployed… sorry bastards. Thank God, it wasn't me. It's kind of a mixed bag of pity and elation. Usually pity is the overriding emotion.

KMASH - Kiss my ass, shit head - This is the frequent reply to STBY. Only now YOU'RE the sorry bastard doing the duffle bag drag. Man, this BITES! It BLOWS CHUNKS!! It SUCKS BIG GREEN WADUNGA!!! It just CAN'T be happening to ME! This is also often referred to as the denial phase. It usually begins right at the exact moment your Commanding Officer cheerfully bounds into the room and fucks up your day by talking crap that starts with the phrase, "Congratulations guys! I know you will all make me proud as we go to (insert shit hole here)…." Nobody has ever quite figured out what the remainder of the speech was, since the Central Nervous System starts to shut down at this point.

FOAD - Fuck off and Die! (Depending on regions and branch of service, it is also sometimes known as ESAD, or Eat Shit and Die!) - This, then, equates to the anger phase. This epiphany happens right when you realize that without any shred of doubt, your sorry ass is going to be deployed and there is no 11th hour reprieve from the Governor. Hell, that slimy bastard SIGNED OFF on the paperwork sending your ass to some remote shit hole, which doesn't appear on most maps. This same mosquito ridden slime hole usually has either way to many vowels or consonants strung directly together for the standard human mouth to pronounce. To make matters worse, your best buddy gets to be a REMF (Rear Echelon Mother Fucker) and do all that Jodie shit to your car, your girlfriend, your wife, and your significant other… just like the marching cadence you learned in basic training said. The phrase FOAD is generally the immediate response to your Platoon Sergeant or First Sergeant smiling and trying to cheer you up with, "Hey, get your chin up. Things could be worse!" The common hand and arm signal that accompanies this phrase is either fist with the middle finger prominently displayed for all to see.

SNAFU - Situation normal; all fucked up - This is the first stage of the deployment when: you show up for activation with 4 duffle bags as your checklist stated, but you're only allowed to ship 3 and the gear you were told you wouldn't need has just become mission essential. It is also during this time that while you're being transported to the Mobilization Center, the bus breaks down, there is no hot breakfast, and you discover you'll be billeted 12 soldiers to a 6-man room. Other signs that you have reached this phase are: You're at the right place and time for formation, but your personnel file and all the pre-mobilization paperwork you've completed at least 3 separate times before, is missing; You've been married for 18 years, and you won't get paid at the with dependents rate because they lost your marriage certificate… again; Every vaccination in a series of 18 shots that you've spent the last 3 months getting squared away has to be retaken all at once, because some uncaring, incompetent, sadistic schmuck lost your shot records.

TARFU - Things are really fucked up - This phase usually occurs sometime during or after the Mission Readiness Exercise (MRE) and you realize you are going to be stuck with these clowns for the next 6 months. You know there is no way in hell it is going to get any better and if you're not careful, these shit heads are going to get you killed somehow. You begin to hear voices in your head, and they urge you to stockpile ammunition and grenades. Frequently heard phrases include, "My Gawd! I'm surrounded by fucking idiots!!"

FUBAR - Fucked up beyond all recognition (also repair) - Well, it's all over now! You've hit the ground in Theater and have just been royally screwed by billeting. At this point, you're living out of the only duffle bag that's made the trip with you, sharing a tent with 40 of your closest friends, and the wind-chill on the other side of the canvass is -50 below. The bathrooms and the showers are all 100 meters away and you judge the need to use them against the frostbite you'll get sprinting between the two. Conversely, if you've been deployed to somewhere hot, your living quarters is a tin Quonset hut with no windows or air conditioning, a small under powered box fan that barely manages to move hot air around, and it's 135° in the shade. The bathroom consists of your entrenching tool and a roll of 'appropriated' European style sandpaper which passes for toilet paper. Shower facilities? You've got 2 canteens and that packet of baby wipes, don't you?? After having been under-manned for the longest time, you now have that back-fill person to bring you to full strength. However, that cold pit-in-your-stomach realization just hit, that the replacement you just picked up is the fucking biggest walking menace to society (yours) and considers themselves to be the greatest gift to the section… ever! Generally this person will also be in a supervisory position and the one direct reason for the BOHICA phase which occurs later.

FUBARBE - Fucked up beyond all repair by experts. Now is when, despite the fact you've been doing this job for many years, you get told to step aside and let professionals take over. (Officer Translation: "Staff it.") This stage hits right after Transition of Authority (TOA) and your staff plans its first operation. This is supposed to be a high speed, low drag, super-secret squirrel operation which will forever place your names in the annals of history. Of course, the day before it all kicks off, you read about the planned operation in Open Source information. This is also when the cold realization hits you square in the face. You are on a freight train speeding 100 miles an hour right for that 25-foot thick brick wall. Your brakes have failed, you're standing there with a silly look… and the emergency brake handle is hanging from your hand.

ATFU - Ate the fuck up - It is important to note, there are two versions of this stage; the lowercase and uppercase. Both, however, are references to whoever's in charge of 'this goat-rope' no matter at what level. Lowercase insinuates you believe the person in charge is a fucking Loser. Uppercase, on the other hand, states that you know beyond all shadow of a doubt the person in charge is the Grand Poobah of all the Fucking LOOOOSERS throughout the course of history. This phase also has corresponding hand and arm signals. Lowercase is signified by touching both thumbs to the forehead and extending the remaining fingers. Uppercase is signified by raising both arms and extending all fingers except for the thumbs.

BOHICA - Bend over; here it comes again - This phase is when the depths of despair resolve into resignation and an almost acceptance of the daily violation you are about to receive from those in the lofty positions above. In other words, you have gotten used to the fact that not only does shit roll downhill; you have come to expect it on a regular basis. Sarcasm runs high during this time with statements like, "Please, Sir, may I have another?", "Please dear Gawd, can you make it suck any more?", and of course, the perennial favorite, "Please, just kill me now!"

S2D2 - (stated as 'S' squared, 'D' squared) Same shit, different day - This phase can be traced back to its ancient Roman origins of at least 400 BC. Carved into a wall at the Roman Coliseum, in the room believed to house the Centurion Garrison stationed there, is the phrase "SEMPER IN EXCREMENTO SUM, SOLUM PROFUNDITAS MUTAT". This roughly translates to 'Always deep in shit, only the depth varies.' It is during this phase that words like 'Monday', 'Tuesday', and 'Friday' loose all meaning, as tomorrow drearily blends into and is no different than yesterday or today.

FIDO - Fuck it, drive on - Ah…. Now you've come the sudden realization that there is indeed a tunnel at the end of the light. This stage could be likened to the Bataan Death March, in that you know your demise is eminent, yet you can do no less than put one foot in front of the other as you robotically head to the edge of the precipice. Tribes of Lemmings proudly observe your display and only wish they could be in step like you.

DILLIGAFF - Do I look like I give a flying fuck? - Welcome to the stage where you're usually voted as most likely to fly into a homicidal rage at the asking of the same Goddamned, Stupid, Piece Of Shit, Asinine Question You've Cheerfully Answered THE SAME WAY AT LEAST 50 FUCKING TIMES BEFORE. Not even offering a quart of Ben & Jerry's Super Chunk Chocolate Ice Cream can save the poor schlob that's about to have their heart carved from their chest with a dull spoon. Dr. Mengele was considered a pussy cat compared to the soldier in this stage… especially when PMS is also involved. The voices in your head plead with you to climb up THIS CLOCK TOWER. Only one thing can appease the raging beast lurking in this stage… Permanent Change of Station (PCS) Orders.

FIIGMO - Fuck it, I got my Orders! - Congratulations! If you've survived this long, it is likely everyone around you is thoroughly convinced you are schizophrenic. Yesterday, you were ready to rip the head off and shit down the neck of the first sorry Son Of A Bitch who had the UNMITIGATED GALL to greet you with "Good Morning". Now, with just a small insignificant piece of paper shoved in your hands, you're willing to walk miles barefoot over hot coals and razor blades; and to finish by wading through rubbing alcohol afterwards, all the while with a smile on your face that would give a mortician a heart attack. This is also a very tenuous phase, as just let something happen to that 'Freedom Bird' or invalidate the typing on that silly piece of paper, and you instantly regress to DILLIGAFF!

Posted by Allan at May 22, 2004 02:55 PM | TrackBack