The Heavenly Poker Game: Act I

Dramatis Personae:

General Ulysses S. Grant	General William T. Sherman
General John J. Pershing	General George S. Patton

Scene - in a small corner of Heaven, reserved for Honorable Warriors Of The US Military, a smoke-filled room with a poker table in the middle and four chairs around it. Four shadowy figures lean over the table, studying their cards and puffing away on large, smelly cigars ....

Grant: OK, boys .. ante up. I'm gonna clean you all out this hand.
Sherman: You're bluffing, Sam. I see your infantry regiment and raise you a cavalry brigade.
Grant: Bill, you know I never bluff.
Patton: You're right, Sam. It's the lousy politicians' job to bluff. Our job is to clean up the mess when they fold.
Pershing: At least you fellas had real leaders - Roosevelt and Lincoln. I got stuck with Wilson - useless pansy.

Patton: I see your infantry and cavalry and raise you a tank division.
Sherman: Tank? What's a .... oh, those loud, noisy machines you had in Germany. Named one after me, didn't they?
Grant: Named one after me too.
Pershing: Me too.
Grant: If we'd had a few of those beasts at The Wilderness, I would have had Lee's nuts in a wringer sooner.
Pershing: Aw, Sam, machines don't win battles - you know that. You have to have good men alongside them.
Grant: I know, I know. Are you in or out, John?
Pershing: I'm out. A good General knows when to advance and when to probe the flanks, eh?
....
Patton: Speaking of useless pansies, what do you think about this Clinton fella the country just endured?
Sherman: (snickering) I wouldn't call him a pansy after all the affairs he had.
Patton: You know what I meant, Bill - letting sissy boys into the military, sending girls into combat zones. What was he thinking?
Grant: Beats me, Patton - it's not like there weren't enough normal tough, brave young men out there in America these days.
Pershing: Agreed. These soldiers today are some of the finest young men I've ever seen. I'm damned proud of them.
Sherman: Well then, how did they get involved in that useless war in Vietnam?
Grant: Politicians.
Patton: Damned Politicians.
Pershing: Useless Politicians.
Sherman: OK, OK. We all agree on that but this Bush fella seems to have a great set of balls and quite a bit of backbone.
Patton: Yeah, he seems OK - for a President. Sam, you were President - why doesn't Bush clean up this mess in Iraq?
Grant: George, being President isn't easy. For the most part, your hands are tied by Congress who holds the purse-strings and those damned newspapers with their editorials about this or that "scandal". Hell, they accused my administration of being the most corrupt ever. I should have had a few of those editors shot, just as an example to the others. Hmmmph ....
....
Sherman: Sam, what they said about you was nothing to the crap they wrote about me and the Indian campaigns after the Civil War. They don't understand that war is hell and the best thing to do if you find yourself in one is fight the meanest, dirtiest you can to get it over with as quickly as possible. You and I saw that, back in 1864 and we decided to wage all out total war so we could get it over and done with and go home. It worked. Sure, the other side hated us but we ended that useless war quickly.
Patton: Kinda like President Truman when he dropped that atom bomb on the Japs, eh?
Pershing: Exactly, gentlemen. Europe was stuck in a standoff and millions were dying in the trenches when we went "over there" in The Great War. We tilted the balance and drove the Hun back into Germany. Kicked the Kaiser's butt and came home.
Sherman: Speaking of kicking butt, what have you got, Sam?
Grant: Two pair.
Sherman: Aha! I've got four of a kind. Got ya!
Patton: (snickering) Not so fast, there General. I believe a Royal Flush beats four of a kind, n'est ce pas?
Sherman: Was that French? Did George speak in French?
Pershing: (sniff) I believe it was, Bill.
Grant: If you guys are gonna speak in foreign languages I'm out of here. Let's head over to the bar.
....
Grant: (sipping whiskey from a shot glass) Aaahhhhhh! Heaven really does have the best whiskey, don't they?
Patton: It's OK but I feel a little awkward drinking in Heaven.
Pershing: Enjoy it, George. No hangovers up here. Only people down on Earth who abuse good spirits think it's bad.
Grant: Yes, they have it all wrong. A good drink with good friends is Heaven enough for me. Cheers!
Sherman: Speaking of having it all wrong, did you hear about those poor fellows over in the Allah Corner of Heaven?
Patton: No, Bill. What about those fools? I don't see why they're even here to begin with.
Grant: Yeah, Bill. What's the story on those guys? They all seem pretty upset.
Sherman: (smiling) Are you ready for this?
Pershing: Out with it, Bill.
Patton: Stop snickering under your breath and tell us ....
Sherman: Well, it seems they believed that God, who they call Allah, would reward them with 72 beautiful virgins when they died, if they died for God.
Patton: Sounds pretty dumb to me.
Pershing: Me too.
Grant: OK, Bill. What's so funny about that? Didn't they get their 72 beautiful virgins when they got here?
Sherman: Yep, they got their 72 beautiful virgins -- then realized that we are all bodiless, spirits here and none of us guys have a .... uh .... You know ....
Grant: (Laughing and spewing whiskey out his nose) So these heathens have 72 beautiful virgins and no dick to use on them?
Sherman: (clapping Grant on the back) That about sums it up, Sam.
Patton: Hehehehehehe .... Who says God doesn't answer prayers?

All four collapse on the floor laughing ....

Down curtain ....

(to be continued in Act II)

Posted by Allan at May 20, 2004 01:58 PM | TrackBack